


There Ain't No Me If There Ain't No You

by Micaiah (winchesterwoman)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Related, Family, Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post season nine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-08 11:43:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1939767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winchesterwoman/pseuds/Micaiah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes there are things worse than death. </p><p>Set immediately after the season 9 finale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update this fic every week until it is complete. I'm still in the process of writing it but it's almost finished. The last chapter should post right before Supernatural comes back in October. 
> 
> Thanks for taking time to read and/or comment!

_I’ve been waiting for this moment_

_It’s time for the battle_

_Even if I never make it_

_Take me home_

_I might never get my story_

_Carved in stone_

_But I will rise again_

_The fight is to the end_

 

Sam struggled down the stairs of the bunker, Dean’s body in his arms as heavy as the weight in his heart.  How he had made it back to the bunker, he couldn’t recall.  He could only slightly remember the faces from the homeless encampment and how someone had called out to him, asking him what had happened to Metatron….or Marv, as they called him.

“THE SON OF A BITCH KILLED MY BROTHER!”  Sam had screamed at the crowd and they had parted to let him pass.  The rest of the journey was a blur.

As Sam headed toward Dean’s room, his arms began to tremble from the strain.  The bathroom was closer so Sam pushed open the door with his foot and carefully laid his brother on the cold tile floor.

_Cold like his body._

Sam smothered a sob as he removed Dean’s bloody jacket.  Dean’s stillness in death made Sam wonder if he was possibly at peace now.  The First Blade had been a heavy burden, piled upon years of more burdens than any one human should carry. Could there ever be peace for a Winchester?  If Castiel had succeeded in Heaven, could Dean find peace there?  But what if Metatron had won?  Sam had no idea of knowing what had happened after Metatron disappeared and until now, he hadn’t given it much thought.  All that mattered was Dean.  And Dean was dead.

Sam wet a washcloth under the sink faucet and began to weep when he realized he’d made sure the water was warm because Dean would probably bitch if it was cold.  

“Dean, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he gently washed Dean’s battered face. After the last traces of blood were gone, Sam gathered his brother into his arms and carried him to the bedroom he’d been so excited about finally having and laid him on the bed.

_Memory foam…..it remembers me._

Tears filled Sam’s eyes again as he remembered how happy Dean had looked at that moment.  They’d finally found a home, a place for Dean to nest, and now Dean was gone.

Sam lost track of how long he stood gazing down at his brother’s body but he finally retreated back to the main living area, shed his jacket and poured himself a drink.  As he sat in the dark, attempting to drown his sorrow, he thought back to all the things he’d said to Dean the past few months.

_No, Dean, I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t._

_You can’t stand the thought of being alone._

_You want to work, let’s work.  If you want to be brothers……_

How could he have been so stupid?  He’d wanted to think he wouldn’t do the same things Dean had done if it came to deciding his brother’s fate.  He’d wanted to think he was better than that, better than Dean, better at making the right choice.

_To hell with the right choice._

Sam tossed back the last of his drink.  There was only one choice to make now and he knew it.  Either Crowley was going to get Dean out of this or Sam was going to make sure the demon died a horrible death.  One thing for certain, Sam was not going on without his brother.

 


	2. Chapter 1

_And I’ll feel my world crumbling_

_I’ll feel my life crumbling_

_I’ll feel my soul crumbling away_

_And falling away_

_Falling away with you_

 

Sam paced the length of the room, waiting for Crowley to arrive.  _Where the hell is he?_ He was beginning to think he’d somehow gotten the summoning spell wrong when he heard a loud crash from somewhere in the bunker.

“Don’t bother checking on that.”  Crowley appeared inside the devil’s trap just as Sam was about to investigate the noise.

Sam wished he didn’t need Crowley to bring his brother back because he would much rather kill the son of a bitch than to look at him.

“Bad day, Moose?” 

“I’m not in the mood for your crap, Crowley.  My brother is dead and you’re going to bring him back.”

“Am I now?”  Crowley seemed amused.

“Wipe that damn smirk off your face.” Sam demanded.  “It’s your fault Dean is dead.  You took him to Cain.  You helped him get that damn Mark.  You made him our only weapon against Metatron and Metatron killed him.  So, damn straight you’re fixing this mess.  You’re bringing him back.”

“Would that I could, Moose, but see, here’s the thing…….”

Crowley cut his sentence short as Sam heard a rustling noise behind him.  Sam turned, instinctively drawing his gun as he did.  Dean was standing in the doorway.

“Dean?”  Sam felt his legs grow weak.  How was Dean alive?  Had Crowley been yanking his chain all this time?  Just one more reason to kill him.

Crowley had found his voice again.  “Ah, Dean…..I thought we agreed…..”

“We didn’t agree to anything, you son of a bitch.”

“Dean, how……”  Sam left the question hanging.  It didn’t matter how.  Dean was alive and Sam had about a million things to say to him.  He hurried toward his brother but Dean backed away.

“Stay away from me, Sam.”

“Dean, what’s wrong?”

Dean turned his head to avoid looking at Sam.  Instead he focused on Crowley.

“I’m not finished with you.”

Crowley surveyed the devil’s trap on the floor.  “For once, I’m happy to be stuck here.”

“You can’t stay there forever.”  Dean had edged closer to the devil’s trap and Sam saw he was carrying the First Blade.

_How did that get here?_

“Dean, what are you doing?”  Sam reached for the Blade but Dean flung out his hand and Sam went hurtling backwards, hitting the wall with a heavy thud.

Sam shook his head to clear the cobwebs.  _What the hell is going on?_

“Look, Dean, we already talked about this.  Why kill me?  I can help you.  Besides I’m the King of Hell.” Crowley sounded rather proud of himself.  “You’re supposed to serve me.”

Dean brandished the First Blade menacingly.  “You want to step over here and say that?”

“Give me the Blade, Dean.”  Sam once again reached toward his brother.

Dean jerked his head toward Sam and his eyes flashed black.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Sam.”

“Dean?”  Sam choked back a sob and whispered, “No, no, no.”  He shut his eyes in denial but he couldn’t escape the truth.  Dean wasn’t alive.  He was something much worse.  How could this have happened?  Dean was truly gone….his eyes…..Sam shuddered.  Those lifeless black eyes made his heart ache.  How would he ever get his brother back now?  Crowley’s voice finally pulled him out of the abyss he was sinking into.

“Moose?  Hey, are you okay?”

Sam slowly opened his eyes.  Dean was nowhere to be seen and Crowley was peering at him with a look that could almost pass for concern.

“He’s a demon.”  Sam’s voice was tremulous and he hated himself for sounding so weak in front of Crowley.   “How did that happen?”

“The Mark doesn’t want to let him go, Sam.”

“The Mark?  The Mark caused this?” Sam reached for Crowley’s throat without a second thought.

“Blame me all you want, Sam, but where were you when Dean got that Mark?”

Sam’s shoulders sagged and he loosened his grip.  Crowley was right.  He’d been pissed at Dean because of Gadreel and Dean had gone off on his own.  He should never have let him go.  He should have made him stay, made him talk, made him work things out. 

He shook his head sadly.  It wouldn’t have ended any differently.  Dean would still have taken the Mark.  He’d been willing to do whatever it took to get rid of Abaddon and now he’d become the very thing she had been, the thing Dean had despised, the thing he had hunted.  Would Sam be forced to hunt his brother now?

“I can’t do it,” whispered Sam.

“I can help you, Sam.”

Sam had almost forgotten about Crowley still stranded in the devil’s trap.

“How can you possibly help me?”

“I can keep an eye on Dean, make sure he’s okay.”

“HE’S NOT OKAY, CROWLEY!  HE’S A DEMON!”

“Okay, calm down.  He’s still your brother.  That means something to you, right?”  Crowley gave him a questioning look.

_It means everything to me._

“You know it does.”

“Let me out of here and I’ll find him.  I know you bloody Winchesters.  You’ll try to save him.”

Sam nodded in agreement.  “I’ll try everything in my power to save him but I think I’m better off keeping you right where you are.  You can fix this, Crowley.”

“Sam, I can’t fix this.  Believe me, whatever I could do, it’s already been tried.  Cain has been down this road.  I’ve heard all the stories.”

Crowley sounded almost sorry for him but Sam didn’t believe it for one minute.  He had to be thrilled to have Dean Winchester on his side.  He’d probably been planning this exact thing for months.  There was no doubt in Sam’s mind he was going to kill him but for now…..he had to use him.

Sam took out his pocket knife, scratching away a portion of the devil’s trap painted on the floor so Crowley would be free to teleport out of the bunker.

“Keep me posted or I’ll summon you here and you won’t like it when I do.”

“Now is not the time to be giving me naughty thoughts, Moose.” 

“Get the hell out of here, Crowley.”

Sam tucked his knife back into his pocket and when he glanced up, Crowley was gone.   Sam made his way back to Dean’s bedroom, hoping that somehow he had lost his mind and that all of this had been some kind of crazy post-traumatic induced dream or hallucination. 

When Sam arrived in Dean’s room, he realized what had made the crashing noise.  The mirror over the sink had been pulled from the wall and smashed to pieces.  Sam imagined Dean seeing his black eyes for the first time.  Was there enough of his humanity left to make him hate what he saw?  Is that why the mirror had been destroyed? 

Sam’s legs suddenly didn’t seem able to support him anymore.  He sank down on the edge of Dean’s bed and cradled his head in his hands.  His brother was a demon.  The phrase just kept going around and around in his brain and no matter how many times he said it to himself, it didn’t seem real.  How could Dean Winchester be a demon? 

Then Sam remembered the lifeless black eyes and realized there really are some things worse than death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome!


	3. Chapter 2

_Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone_

_Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own_

_Lonely is the night when there’s no one left to call_

_You feel the time is right, say the writing’s on the wall_

 

Dean studied his surroundings with eyes that could see everything….or at least that’s how it felt.  All of his senses were heightened and he could hear everything that was being said inside the small bar he’d ended up in front of when he teleported.  Apparently, even as a demon, he was still a functioning alcoholic.

_Sam would probably say some things never change._

Dean frowned.  What the hell did he care what Sam thought?  He didn’t, not anymore.  Sam hadn’t wanted to be brothers and now he’d gotten his wish because Dean was pretty sure being a demon got your invitations to the family gatherings revoked permanently.

A car door slammed, interrupting Dean’s thoughts.  _Where the hell am I anyway?_   The whole teleporting thing had been a strange experience.  He’d had no idea he was even going to do it until he’d disappeared from the bunker and ended up here.  There had to be a way to control that.  Maybe he should let Crowley teach him a thing or two before he plunged the First Blade into his slimy throat.

Dean realized he still had the Blade gripped tight in his hand.  He found an old battered jacket inside an unlocked pick-up and pulled it on.  He stowed the Blade underneath it, tucking it into the waistband of his jeans.  The bar didn’t look like much but while he was here, he might as well have a drink.

Dean sauntered inside and realized he could now recognize demons on sight.  There was one bellied up to the bar, chatting up the pretty barmaid.  Dean slid onto the stool beside him and ordered a beer.  The demon turned to look at him and Dean was amused by the various expressions that crossed his face. 

Dean laughed. “Yep, I’m your worst nightmare, buddy.  Dean Winchester and a demon.”

The demon tossed a few bills on the counter and scurried out the door before the girl behind the bar had even made it back with Dean’s drink.

“Wow, you sure scared him off in a hurry.”  The barmaid handed him his beer and gave him a wink.  “Thank you.  He was a creep.”

“I bet you get those types in here all the time.”  Dean took a long sip of beer, relishing the taste.  That sense was also intensified, even though he knew he no longer needed either food or drink to survive.  He wondered how awesome a bacon cheeseburger would taste now….or pie.

“No, not as often as you think.”  Dean had almost forgotten the girl behind the bar in his reverie of food.  She studied him for a moment.  “My name’s Hollie.”

“Well, Hollie, I’m Dean.  Glad to meet you.”  He raised his beer to her and she smiled.  He was contemplating the possible effects of eating salty French fries when she leaned over toward him and offered him a view of her cleavage.

“I get a break in about fifteen minutes, Dean.”

“Do you now?”  Dean leered at her openly.  She was offering so why the hell not?  Food could wait.

She put her lips up close to his ear and whispered, “Meet me out back.”

Dean gave her his most charming smile.

_I’m gonna bang this chick like she’s never been banged before._  

* * *

 

 Fifteen minutes later Dean had Hollie bent over in the alley behind the bar.  He’d grabbed her by the hips, pumping into her hard but she never missed a beat. This was definitely not her first rodeo.  As Dean threw his head back and laughed he noticed the full moon.  He wondered what Hollie would do if he started to howl.

* * *

 

 Afterwards Dean ordered a whiskey and took it to a corner table.  Hollie seemed disappointed that he wasn’t sitting at the bar, which was exactly why he wasn’t sitting at the bar.  Did she really expect more from someone she just fucked behind a seedy bar?  Stupid girl.

Two guys burst through the door, talking loudly and laughing.  They parked themselves on a couple of barstools and Hollie began to give them all of her attention.  Dean suddenly realized he knew those guys.  He hadn’t seen them since the night they had shot him and Sam, a lifetime ago.  They had shot his Sammy.  They couldn’t do that and get away with it.

Dean shook his head vigorously.   _What the hell was that?  His Sammy?_  

Dean stared at the whiskey in his hand.  What did liquor do to a demon?  He slammed the glass down on the table.  Didn’t really matter what the liquor did.  Those two assholes deserved whatever he was about to dish out.

Dean started toward the bar and Hollie looked up expectantly.  Dean shooed her away and she retreated but not without giving him a reproachful glare. Dean stood behind the two men at the bar and leaned an elbow on each of their shoulders.

“Hello Roy….Walt.”

Walt turned toward him and all the color drained from his face.  “Holy hell, Dean.  What are you doing here?”

“Do you boys remember what I said to you that night?”  Dean smiled as Roy’s glass fell from his hand.  “I’m guessing that means yes.”

“You said you’d be pissed.  But Dean, you gotta understand…..”

“What do I gotta understand, Roy?  You killed my brother and me.”

Walt started to reach inside his jacket but Dean already had the First Blade in his hand.  He touched the edge of it to Walt’s cheek.

“W-w-what the h-hell is that thing?” stammered Walt.

Dean turned the Blade so they both could see it.  “Oh, this?  Just something I picked up since the last time I saw you boys.  It’s almost like it’s a part of me now.”

“You always were a damn scary hunter,”  said Roy.

“I appreciate the sentiment, Roy, but I’m not a hunter anymore.”

“Then what the hell are you?”

Dean gave them just enough time to register that his eyes were black before he buried the First Blade into their throats……first Walt, for shooting him and Sam, and then Roy.  He let Roy live one second longer just because he hadn’t actually pulled the trigger.  He thrust the blade into them over and over.  Blood ran down the barstools, over his hands and pooled at his feet.  He heard someone scream but Dean no longer cared about anything except the blood on his hands.  He needed more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ain't gonna lie. Posting this chapter made me nervous. Writing it killed my soul. Just the thought of Demon Dean makes my heart hurt.
> 
> Until next week.....


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie....these next couple of chapters are not my faves. I struggled with them but I like what comes after. :)

It was three days before Castiel was able to return to the bunker.  So much had happened in Heaven and whether he wanted to be one or not, the angels all looked to him as their leader.  He’d appointed some of them as his lieutenants and left them in charge so he could find out what had happened with Sam and Dean.  He refused to believe what Metatron had said but when he arrived at the bunker he knew something was terribly wrong.

The living area had been demolished.  Chairs and tables were overthrown and books were strewn everywhere.  Various spell ingredients were spread out on the only table that was still upright.  The book lying next to them was opened to a summoning spell….one Castiel hadn’t seen used in ages.

Castiel quietly made his way through the hallway.  He wasn’t sure if Sam or Dean had caused this mess or if something else had invaded the bunker.   He peered into Sam’s bedroom but it was empty.  In Dean’s bedroom, he found more books covering the floor and the mirror over the sink had been smashed to pieces.  Sam was curled into a ball on Dean’s bed, his eyes closed, Dean’s pillow clutched tightly in his arms.

“Sam?”  Cas knelt in front of the sleeping man and studied his haggard face. “Sam?”

Sam opened his eyes and stared blankly at Cas. 

“Sam, are you okay?”

“Cas?”  Recognition flashed in Sam’s eyes and he sat straight up, grasping the angel’s face in between both his hands.  “Cas, you’re alive!”

“Yes, I am.  Gadreel didn’t make it. He sacrificed himself to save me.”

“I’m sorry.”  Sam’s eyes clouded over.

“Sam, Metatron said Dean….”

“He’s gone, Cas.”  Sam’s voice was thick with emotion.

Castiel was at a loss for words.  Dean Winchester could not be dead.  He could not have been killed by the likes of Metatron.  He could not……

“He’s a demon.”

“What? How is that even possible?”

“Crowley said it’s the Mark.  It won’t let him go.”  Sam’s shoulders slumped and Cas could see how weary he was.

“What happened to the bunker, Sam?”

Sam gave him a sheepish look.  “Me.  I tried every summoning spell I could find but I can’t summon Dean.  I guess I went a little crazy.  I don’t know how to find him, Cas.”

“He’s not just a demon, Sam.  With that Mark, he’s something more.  It’s possible he’s even a knight of hell and I don’t think they can be summoned by anyone but Lucifer.”

Sam shuddered at the mention of Lucifer.

“We’ll find him, Sam.”  Cas patted Sam on the arm, wanting to offer some sort of encouragement, while hoping desperately he wasn’t lying to the youngest Winchester.

“I thought you were dead, too.”  Sam whispered.

“I should have come right away.  I’m so sorry.”

“No, you had business to take care of.  I understand.  It’s just……”  Sam swallowed hard, his eyes shining with tears.

“What?”

“I thought I was alone.”

Sam began to sob and although Castiel had never fully understood the human need to shed tears he understood Sam had been scared.  His brother was gone and he thought he was going to have to endure this by himself.  Cas knew he would have done so if that had been the case but at what cost to his sanity?  The Winchesters were highly resilient humans but everyone had a breaking point.

“No, Sam, you’re not alone.”

Cas sat on the edge of the bed, his arms awkwardly encircling Sam Winchester until his tears had subsided and then, even though Cas knew he shouldn’t use his powers because of his waning grace, he touched Sam’s forehead and made him fall into a peaceful sleep….one that was untouched by death and destruction.

* * *

 

Crowley finally found Dean in what he assumed had once been a sleazy little bar.  Now it was nothing but death and destruction, decorated in blood.  Dean was hunkered in a corner, a half full bottle of Jack in one hand, the First Blade in the other.

“Dean?”  Crowley approached him cautiously.  “What happened here?”

Dean shrugged.  “I killed some people.”

“I can see that.”  Crowley stepped over a young brunette sprawled on the floor.  “Mind telling me _why_ you killed all these people?

“You know what your problem is, Crowley?  You don’t even know what a demon does and you are one!”

Crowley flinched at the tone.  He couldn’t deny he had wanted Dean to awaken as a demon once he had been killed.  He hadn’t gone into this wishing Dean would die, even though he knew he’d never be able to convince Sam otherwise, but once it happened, Crowley had been ecstatic at the thought.  Dean Winchester, the best hunter to ever walk the earth, could be his second in command.  Now he wasn’t so sure.  Dean seemed pretty unstable, even for a demon.

“We don’t usually kill without a reason, Dean.”  Crowley stopped just out of Dean’s reach.  “Even demons like to have a reason….it may be a far-fetched one, but still, we do like to maintain some semblance of control.”

“Why?  Oh, because that’s the way you run things?  You want a reason?  Okay, then.”  Dean waved the Blade in the general direction of the bar.  “Those two dicks needed killing.  I owed them from a long time ago.  You happy now?”

“And what about the rest of these people?”

Dean slammed his bottle against the floor.  “They got in the way.”

Crowley backed up a step or two.  “I think you should come with me, Dean.  I meant what I said.  I can help you.”

Dean stood up from his corner and Crowley backed farther away.  “Oh, yeah, you can definitely help me, Crowley.  I’ve been thinking a lot and I’ve made some plans.  Let’s talk about Hell.”

 

* * *

 

When Sam stumbled into the kitchen, he found Castiel attempting to prepare breakfast.  Sam glanced at whatever was floating in the pan of grease Cas was heating on the stove and grimaced.

“I’ll just make some coffee, Cas.” 

Cas looked disappointed.  “You need to eat, Sam.”

“I’ll get something later.  You don’t need to cook for me.”  He started scooping coffee into the coffee maker.

“But Dean did.”

The scoop in Sam’s hand clattered to the floor.

“I’m sorry. I’ve upset you.”

Sam bent to retrieve the scoop, relieved to see his hand wasn’t shaking even though inside he felt as if he was falling apart.  “No, Cas, it’s just…..I can take care of myself, okay?”

“Dean would want me to look after you.”

Sam smiled bitterly.  “Yes, he would but I’m fine.  Whatever angel mojo you hit me with last night helped me get a good night’s sleep and I feel better.”

“Sam, you’ve been asleep for two days.”

“What?  Why did you let me sleep so long?”

“You were exhausted.”

“I need to be looking for Dean!”  Sam jabbed the start button on the coffee maker, fuming inwardly.  He knew Cas had only been trying to help but he didn’t need to waste time sleeping while his brother was out there facing the world as a demon.

“Is that what Dean always refers to as your bitchface?”

Sam wasn’t sure whether he should laugh or cry but for now he chose laughter.  “Probably.”

“Ah, now I get it.” 

Even though Cas understood a lot more about being human than he used to, he still had his moments.  Right now, Sam was grateful for that. 

 

* * *

 

“Dean, I think……”

“I’m not asking you to think, Crowley.”  Dean walked up and down the line of demons, surveying them with his black, dead eyes.

It took everything Crowley had not to tell Dean exactly what he thought, whether Dean wanted to hear it or not.  This was not what Crowley had expected.  Dean Winchester, the hunter, had been willing to work with him and listen to him at times.  Dean Winchester, the demon, didn’t want to hear a word he said and worse than that, he wanted to run Hell himself.  Crowley wasn’t a fan of that in any sense of the word.

“Okay, listen up.  You guys….girls…demons….whatever the hell you want to be called, have been recommended to me as being rather enthusiastic about your jobs."

The demons gave each other confused looks but none of them said a word.  A few glanced at Crowley for guidance which made him realize all wasn’t lost.  Not everyone would follow Dean Winchester.  He just had to find out who those demons were.

“Do you know who I am?”  asked Dean.

All of the demons but one nodded.  Dean pointed the First Blade at the one lone demon that was unlucky enough not to know who Dean was…..or was it lucky?  Crowley couldn’t decide.

“You.  You don’t know me?”

“Um…no….sir.”

“Well, I used to be a hunter and I’m guessing that’s how all of your friends here know me.”  The other demons nodded in agreement.  “I’m Dean Winchester and from now on, you report to me.  Ain’t that right, Crowley?”

Crowley thought he was in danger of biting off his own tongue because of all the retorts sitting there on the edge of it, waiting to fly out of his mouth, but he replied with what he thought was a very calm tone, all things considered.  “As you say, Dean.”

“Damn straight.  Everything will be as I say from now on.  I’ve done some time down here and I know what Hell is supposed to be like.  What he’s been doing?”  Dean motioned toward Crowley.  “That ain’t hell.  So, get ready for a new way of life because things are about to change.”

Crowley wondered for the hundredth time if Dean were parted from the First Blade what the result would be.  Would it be more of the demon Dean Winchester he had hoped for?  And if so, how was he ever going to manage to get that damn Blade away from him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Would love some feedback!


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was completely finished before spoilers started coming out for season 10, which was my goal. I'll continue to post the chapters here but if I don't get some feedback, I probably will not post any more fics on this site.

Cas had combed through all the books Sam had littered the floors with while Sam was sleeping.  He’d also put them back on the shelves and cleaned up the rest of Sam’s frenzied mess.   They’d both started on another shelf of books that was in one of the storerooms, looking for anything related to summoning or locating a knight of hell.

Sam could see Cas watching him out of the corner of his eye.

“Cas, really, I’m okay.  You don’t need to constantly keep an eye on me.”  Sam shifted the conversation away from himself.  “What about you?  What’s happening in Heaven?  And what about your grace?  Shouldn’t you be worrying about that?”

“I have enough grace for now.”

“Which means what, exactly?”

“I have enough grace for now.”

Sam rolled his eyes at Castiel’s literal interpretation of his question.  “But how long will it last?”

Cas returned the book he was perusing to the shelf and pulled down another, carefully avoiding Sam’s eyes.  “It depends on how much I use it.”

“You shouldn’t have used it on me the other night, Cas.”  Sam scolded.  “Don’t do anything like that again.”

“But you needed…..”

“I need my brother, Cas, and you’re the only person who can help me.” 

Castiel nodded and Sam wondered if the angel even halfway understood what he really meant.  He didn’t know if he could do this alone and now, more than ever, he understood how Dean had always felt.  He had to get his brother back and it didn’t matter what it took.  He couldn’t let Cas burn through all of his grace….not if it could help Dean.  He felt like a dick for even thinking it.  Cas was family…..but Dean was his brother.

“So, what about Heaven?” Sam asked, deftly changing the subject. “What’s going on there?”

“I left Hannah and a few others in charge while I came back here.  They’re working on retrieving all the souls who have been stuck in the veil.  They’re going to take them to Heaven through the door Metatron had been using.”

Sam frowned. “Can you do that?”

“Yes, but it’s more difficult this way.  It will take much longer than if Heaven was open.”

“Do you think there will ever be a way to open Heaven back up?”

“I truly don’t know, Sam.  I hope we can figure something out but that isn’t the main priority on my list.  Rescuing the souls and finding Dean is what matters for now.”  Cas handed the book he was reading to Sam.  “Read that. I think it might be something.”

Sam grabbed the book, trying not to get his hopes up.  “It’s a locator spell….for the First Blade…..but we don’t have all those ingredients here.”

“What are you missing?”

Sam wrinkled his nose in disgust.  “Essence of Kraken.”

“Oh.”  An uneasy look crossed Castiel’s face.  “I know where we can get some.”

“You do?  Great!”  Sam slammed the book shut and jumped up from his chair.  “Let’s go.  Where is it?”

“Belize.  It’s in one of Crowley’s warehouses.”  Castiel shifted uncomfortably.  “I once visited it when I was working with him.”

“It’s okay, Cas.  You certainly don’t have to explain past mistakes to me.  Remember?  You and I are the ones who consistently screw up the most.”   Sam gave a bitter laugh.

Castiel smiled sadly.  “I do remember.”

“So, can one of your angel buddies get the ingredient for us?”

“Why would I send one of them?  I can be there and back in no time.”

“But your grace….won’t that…….”

Before Sam could finish the sentence Castiel had disappeared and reappeared in front of his eyes.  He seemed a little unsteady on his feet on the return trip.  Sam reached out a hand to help him.

“I’m good, Sam.  Just a bad landing.”

Sam had never seen Castiel make a bad landing.  He was pretty sure those were non-existent.  He was going to have to watch Cas closely for the angel’s own sake….and for Dean’s. 

“You ready to try this now?”  asked Cas.

“Yeah, give me a minute to gather the other ingredients.  The sooner we find Dean, the better.”

* * *

 “Well, what do we have here?”

Dean circled the racks of souls….the racks Crowley had been letting gather dust.  Walt and Roy were two of the souls stretched out there, already sliced almost to the point where the torture could begin anew.  Dean had no idea he was going to enjoy being a demon until he’d realized he could dish out some payback in Hell, just like before, only this time he wouldn’t feel so damn guilty about it.

“It’s a two for the price of one kill deal.  I get to torture you forever.”  Dean rubbed his hands together gleefully.  “Did you know I’m considered an expert in the field of torture?”

“Not surprised,”  Roy said through a mouthful of blood. 

Dean was amazed to hear Roy speak.  Obviously someone hadn’t been doing their job well enough if either man was still able to form a coherent thought.  Dean ran his hand over the instruments that had already been used on Roy and Walt.  The demons who had been overseeing the torture glanced at each other. 

“Am I making you nervous?” 

Both demons shook their heads but Dean knew they were lying.  He made them all nervous, especially Crowley.  He wasn’t the nice little sidekick Crowley had been hoping for and why the hell should he be? 

Crowley had been calling the shots down here for a while now and the place was just…..well, going to hell. Dean chuckled. Who cared about eternal damnation if all you were going to do was stand in a really long line?  Yeah, sure there had been a few deep, dark places where people were actually tortured on occasion but mostly it was bored souls standing in a never-ending line.  Torture?  Sure.  But not the kind Dean was looking for. He reached toward the thigh holster that had been custom made for the First Blade by Denise, a demon who had many talents besides leatherwork.  She made Hollie look like an amateur.

Dean grinned as he pulled the Blade from its holster.  _Time to have some fun._

* * *

Sam spread the map on the table.  “Ruby used a spell similar to this once.”

“Who were you looking for?”

“Dean.”

“And did it work?”

“It was the night I killed Alastair.”  It felt like a million years ago to Sam.

Cas nodded and handed Sam the bowl he was holding.  “Then it worked.  Let’s hope this one works as well.”

Sam poured the contents of the bowl across the map and lit a match.  “It should burn away everything except for where Dean is located.” 

Cas gave him an encouraging nod and Sam tossed the match onto the map.  He needed to find Dean soon.  The longer Dean was a demon, the harder it might be to bring him back.  Sam was sure the Men of Letters cure would work.  He couldn’t allow himself to think any other way or the tenuous grip he had on his sanity would totally crumble.

The edges of the map started to burn away and Sam stared at it in anticipation.  If Dean hadn’t gone too far, it was possible they could have him back here by tonight.

“Is it supposed to do that?”  asked Castiel.

The map seemed to be burning but only the edges had disappeared.  Before Sam could reply to the question, the flames shot about a foot in the air and then disappeared.  The entire map was gone and nothing was left but a few ashes.

“What the hell was that?” cried Sam.

Cas shook his head.  “I have no idea.  Did we do the spell wrong?”

“No, we did it right.” 

“What do you think it means?”

Sam couldn’t keep the disappointment from his voice.  “It means Dean isn’t coming home tonight.”


	6. Chapter 5

_I'm falling apart again_

_And I can't find a way to make amends_

_And I'm looking in both directions_

_But it's make believe, it's all pretend_

 

"We'll keep looking, Sam."

Sam nodded but couldn't shake the feeling that he was never going to see Dean again. He had failed his brother in so many ways. Why couldn't he at least do this one thing? Just one thing. Was it really too much to ask?

_Please._

Sam mentally kicked himself. Why the hell was he still praying to someone who never listened? Might as well pray to…...

Crowley.

Why hadn't he heard from Crowley?

Sam pulled out his phone and dialed Crowley's number. A robotic voice informed him: "The number you have reached is no longer in service."

Sam frowned. "Crowley's phone isn't working."

"Should we summon him?"

Sam shook his head. "I'll give him a couple more days. There's still research to do here and maybe he hasn't found Dean yet." He sighed. "Honestly, Cas, I don't think I could handle any more bad news right now."

* * *

"Why the hell can't I smoke out of this meat suit?" demanded Dean.

"Because you're a newbie?"

Dean glowered at Crowley. "You're supposed to be the damn expert. Why am I even keeping you around?"

"Because I look so good in chains?" Crowley held up his wrists to make his point. "When is it going to get kinky, Dean, because I'm getting bored."

"You couldn't handle it if I got kinky, Crowley."

"Try me."

_Try anything!_  Crowley wanted to scream at him. He was never going to get out of here unless Dean got close enough for Crowley to jerk that damn key from around his neck. Dean had taken over his job and made him a prisoner of his own Hell. Crowley was pretty sure he'd never been so humiliated in all of his life…..well, not his demon life anyway. This was not what he'd hoped for at all.

Crowley had been trying to call Sam and let him know what his brother was up to when Dean caught him, red-handed, Sam's number already pulled up on his phone, just waiting for Crowley to hit the call button. Dean had smashed the phone to tiny pieces with the heel of his boot, grabbed Crowley by the collar and dragged him into a small cell that had already been equipped with the chains and handcuffs Crowley last wore when he was a prisoner in the bunker. When had Dean retrieved those?

Suddenly Dean snapped his fingers. "It's the damn tat."

"Pardon me?"

Dean ripped off his shirt and for a moment Crowley thought Dean really was going to take him up on his offer. He wondered if he could chew through his wrists before he became Dean Winchester's bitch.

"Relax, Crowley. You're not my type." Dean pointed to the tattoo on his chest. "This was to keep demons out. Do you think it could also be keeping me in?"

"No clue."

Dean reached for the First Blade and Crowley watched in fascination as Dean took the Blade and cut the tattoo from his chest, leaving a grisly looking wound in its place.

"You're a special kind of psycho, Dean."

"Thank you kindly."

"What exactly is the purpose of doing that? Why would you even want to smoke out?"

Dean grinned. "Sam doesn't have a tattoo either, remember? He never had time to get another one. I'm going to pay him a visit."

"You're going to possess your brother?"

"I'm just going to take a stroll through his mind. See what's going on in there."

"Even as a demon you still have that co-dependency thing going on, eh?"

"Shut up, Crowley."

Crowley knew he had hit a nerve. Even though he'd seen Dean do some horrific things since becoming a demon, it was obvious he still had a soft spot for his brother. He just had a twisted way of showing it. Crowley had to find a way to warn Sam.

* * *

"Hey, Sammy. Where have you been?"

"Dean?" Sam glanced around.

"Right here, little brother."

Sam was surrounded by darkness.  _Where am I?_

"Dean, where are you? I can't see anything."

"I'm right here. Don't be afraid."

Sam shivered. "But I am."

"It's okay, Sammy. I came to tell you I'm okay."

"But you're a demon, Dean."

Dean laughed. "It's not as bad as you might think and hey, we all knew it was bound to happen one day. I just wasn't good enough to be anything else."

"Please don't say that, Dean." Sam wished he could see Dean's face. "You're a good person…...the best brother anyone could ever want."

"But you didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"You didn't want me. You said we could work together but be brothers? Nah. That wasn't part of the deal."

"I'm so sorry, Dean." Tears filled Sam's eyes.

"Aw, are you gonna cry now?"

Sam strained his eyes to see past the darkness. "Who are you?"

"I'm your brother, Sam. The one you cared nothing about."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Then why did you let me turn into this?"

The murky darkness surrounding Sam suddenly cleared and Sam was forced to stare into the demonic eyes of his dead brother. Sam began to scream.

* * *

"Sam, wake up!"

Castiel had heard Sam screaming all the way from the other end of the bunker where he'd been sorting through some old Men of Letters records.

"It's a dream, Sam." Castiel grapsed Sam by the shoulders and gave him a brisk shake. "Only a dream."

Sam's eyes flew open and he looked frantically around the room. After a moment, he ran a shaky hand across his face.

"I need a drink."

Sam freed himself from the tangle of covers and headed out toward the living area. Castiel followed close behind. Sam poured himself a drink, tossed it back and poured himself another.

"Are you okay?" asked Cas.

"No, I don't think so." Sam's hands were still shaking.

"What did you dream?"

"I-I-I can't talk about it, Cas." Sam finished off the second drink and poured a third. "Summon Crowley."

"Are you sure?" Castiel was afraid of what Sam might do if Crowley didn't appear when summoned.

"I need to know, Cas." Sam's eyes were pleading with him. "If something has happened to him, I need to know. He's my only link to Dean."

Castiel nodded and gathered what he needed to summon Crowley while Sam downed his third drink. When he started to pour a fourth, Castiel gently reached for the bottle.

"That's enough, Sam."

Sam frowned but reluctantly let go of the bottle. He swayed a little on his feet as he stood watching Castiel perform the summoning ritual. Fifteen minutes after the ritual was performed, Sam's face betrayed his anguish. Crowley wasn't coming. Their only link to Dean had been severed.

Wordlessly, Castiel retrieved an empty glass, poured himself a drink and returned the bottle to Sam. It was the only comfort he had to offer.


	7. Chapter 6

Three weeks had passed since Castiel first attempted to summon Crowley.  He’d tried other times but with the same results.  Sam had been following any and every lead, searching for his brother. Sometimes he was gone for days at a time. There’d been whispers among the hunter crowd of a demon who was wreaking havoc in nearby states and Sam was sure it was Dean.  He’d been contacting any hunter who might have information on Dean’s whereabouts but he was wearing himself out.  Cas was afraid of what was going to happen to Sam if they didn’t find Dean soon.

He glanced up from the notes he was digging through to find Sam nodding off over his own research.  Sleep had become almost non-existent for the youngest Winchester and Castiel knew what it would do to him eventually. Even with Sam being exhausted to the point where he shouldn’t have any choice but to sleep, he’d wake up screaming from horrible dreams not long after he drifted off each night and remain awake the rest of the night doing research, heading out early the next morning to continue his search for Dean. Cas wanted to help him sleep but Sam refused to let him use any of his powers.  Castiel thought maybe tonight he would risk it, whether Sam approved or not.

Castiel had tried not to dwell on his dwindling grace but it was getting hard to ignore and something else had occurred to him recently.  If they found Dean and the cure worked, he had been mortally wounded.  He would need to be healed and Castiel didn’t have enough grace left to do so.  

It was time for him to take action, no matter how drastic it might be.

* * *

Crowley heard someone moving around at the door of his cell and thought it was Dean coming back to torment him.  Crowley wasn’t sure who Dean had more fun tormenting, him or Sam.  He visited Crowley’s cell often to tell him the things he was doing in Sam’s mind or to brag of other exploits.  In a few short weeks, Dean had become a master of destruction.  Crowley couldn’t help but wonder how many hunters were after him or if they were all too scared to even try.  Dean Winchester had been an exceptional hunter.  It seemed he was also an exceptional demon.

“Who’s there?”

“Crowley, sir. It’s me.”

Crowley strained his eyes.  Even he had trouble seeing in this damn darkness Dean had somehow managed to cloak everything with.  He finally recognized the young demon at his cell door.  It was one of the demons who had been loyal to him all through the Abaddon debacle…..which looked like a cake walk compared to now.

“Jake, what are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to break you out, sir.”

Crowley smiled.  “Have you now?”

“There are others who will help if I need them.”

“You always were a good boy, Jake.”  Crowley frowned.  “Let’s do this the smart way though, shall we?  Let me think this through.  Come back tomorrow but watch out for Dean. He’s like my bloody mother, eyes everywhere.”

“As you wish, sir.” 

Jake melted into the darkness.

_Damn right, it’s going to be as I wish.  Dean Winchester must go._

* * *

“Come on, let’s get those souls moving.  Time’s a wasting.”

Dean laughed.  Well, technically they had all of eternity but the sooner the souls were on his rack, the sooner his thirst for blood would be quenched….at least for a while.

“Dean?”

If Dean’s heart had been beating, it would have stopped.  He knew that voice.  He was the reason that soul was here…..wait, no…..that soul couldn’t possibly be here. 

Dean turned and came face to face with the soul of Kevin Tran.

“Dean, why are you here?  Why am I here?”  Kevin glanced around fearfully.

“I thought you were with your mom.”

“I was but apparently there’s a door open to Heaven and the angels are gathering all the souls that had been stuck in the veil.  We were supposed to be heading to Heaven.”  Kevin leaned toward him and whispered, “Dean, are you dead too?  Because you don’t look dead.”

“I’m not.”  Dean smiled.  “I’m more alive than I’ve ever been.”

“What does that mean?”  asked Kevin.  “Where’s Sam?”

“Sam isn’t here.  He’s not like me….at least not yet.”

“Dean, you’re scaring me.”

“You’re the only person here who has no reason to fear me.”  Dean motioned for one of the demons who had been herding in the souls.  “Where did these souls come from?”

“They were being transported to Heaven but we intercepted them.”  The demon had a smug look on his face.  “I thought you would be pleased.”

“You thought?  How dare you.”  Dean could feel the blood lust burning within him.  “Those souls aren’t meant for this.”  He motioned toward Kevin.  “ _His_ soul isn’t meant for this.”

Dean’s eyes flashed black and he heard Kevin gasp.

“Dean, what happened to you?”

“Don’t sweat it, kiddo.  I was never going to be anything else and after what happened to you……”  Dean couldn’t finish the sentence.  He wanted to say he deserved it.  He deserved to be in Hell.  He deserved to rot here for everything he’d ever done but he wasn’t sure he deserved to enjoy it so much.

What the hell was wrong with him?  He wasn’t supposed to feel this way about anything…..but he did.  Sam….and now Kevin brought about feelings he thought he was no longer capable of.  But what did it mean?

_It means I need to kill._

The First Blade was calling to him, begging for him to shed blood, to be rid of the conflicting feelings inside him.  Dean pulled the Blade from its holster and plunged it into the demon who had captured the souls.  His face registered surprise and Dean grinned as he watched the life fade from the demon’s eyes.

“This isn’t you, Dean.”

The horrified look on Kevin’s face made the pleasure of the kill fade away too quickly. 

“I’m afraid it is, Kevin.  Now go.”  Dean looked around for another demon.  There was always someone who was ready to do his bidding.  “Take these souls back to where they belong.”

Kevin started to follow the other souls and then turned back toward Dean. “You were a good man, Dean.  You don’t deserve this.”

Dean shook his head.  “You don’t know me, Kevin.  I deserve this and more.”

* * *

Crowley heard movement outside his cell and wondered if Jake was back.  Time passed at such a strange rate in Hell he wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d talked to the young demon.  He peered out into the darkness and realized it wasn’t as black as it had been before.  It was being lit by the souls that were parading past his cell.  Those were heavenly souls.  What were they doing here?  And better yet, where were they going?

Crowley struggled against his chains when he recognized one of the souls. 

_Dammit! Don’t let him get away!_

“Kevin?”

Kevin hesitated at the sound of his name.  “Who’s there?”

Kevin stared hard in Crowley’s direction and recognition dawned on his face.

“Kevin,” Crowley whispered, glancing around for signs of Dean. “You have no reason to help me but I need you to get a message to someone.”

 “You’re right, I have no reason to help you.”  He started to move forward with the other souls.

“What about Sam and Dean?”

Kevin hesitated again.  “Dean’s a demon.  How can I help him?”

“You need to get a message to Sam.”

Kevin didn’t look fully convinced but Crowley knew this was his best shot. 

“Tell Sam his brother is possessing him while he sleeps.  Tell him I’m trying to get out of here and I have a plan to bring Dean back to him.”

A demon poked Kevin in the back.  “Keep moving, buddy.  You wouldn’t want to get stuck down here, would you?”

“How did you get down here?”  Crowley asked.

Kevin smiled.  “Long story.  Sorry, don’t have time to catch up.”

Kevin moved away from Crowley’s cell but gave him a backwards glance.

“I’ll get the message to Sam.”

* * *

“Come back to gloat, have you, Castiel?”

Castiel wondered if anything ever fazed Metatron.  He’d been locked up for a few weeks now but he had managed to talk the angels into letting him have books and there were several hundred stacked in his cell.  He was reading one of them now.

“I came to replenish my grace.”

Metatron closed his book.  “You mean to take mine?”  He nodded.  “Of course, you do.  I’m the most powerful angel left.  Mine would last the longest.  You do realize, eventually, even mine will fade and you will still die.”

Castiel nodded.  “Yes, I know, but it will last long enough.”

Metatron seemed intrigued.  “For what, my friend?”

“I am not your friend.”

Metatron sighed.  “You were at one time.  Or have you forgotten?”

Castiel lowered his gaze.  “No, I have not forgotten how stupid I was to trust you.”

“Ah, but you can trust me, Castiel.  I could have killed you but I didn’t.”

“You took my grace.  For an angel, that’s worse than death.”

“What if I could give it back to you?”

Metatron looked at him expectantly.  Castiel knew he couldn’t trust the megalomaniac angel but what if he was telling the truth?  Could he get back his own grace?

“How is that possible?”

“You don’t really think I used all of it, do you?”   Metatron grinned.  “I only used a small portion.  The rest is tucked away for safe-keeping.”

“Tell me where it is.”

“Ah, ah, ah, don’t be so hasty, my friend.”

Castiel wished he could make the angel quit using that word.  “What do you want, Metatron?”

“In exchange for your grace?”  Metatron stroked his chin and appeared to think it over.  “I think my freedom for your grace is a fair exchange.”

“I’ll never----“  Castiel was cut short by Hannah hurrying toward him, a worried look on her face.  “What is it, Hannah?”

“Sir, we had a situation with the souls we were transporting today.”

“What kind of situation?”

Metatron pressed his face close to the bars to hear the conversation and Hannah frowned.  “Sir?”

“We’ll continue this later, Metatron.”  Castiel led Hannah away from Metatron’s cell.  “Tell me what happened.”

“The souls were hijacked by a pack of demons but they were returned to us not long afterwards.  One of them says he has something to tell you.”

“Where is he?”

At that moment the door burst open and Kevin Tran came hurtling through, followed by several angels.

“I’m sorry, sir.  We couldn’t stop him in time.”

Castiel smiled.  “It’s okay.  Hello Kevin.”

“I’m sorry, Castiel, but I had to see you and it couldn’t wait.”

“How did you even know I was here?”

“I heard someone talking about the angel in the trench coat.”  Kevin grinned.  “If you want to be inconspicuous, don’t wear the trench coat.”

Castiel glanced down at the coat.  “I like it.”

“Okay, fine, whatever.  I’m not here to talk about your wardrobe.  I have a message from Crowley.”

“Crowley?  Where did you see him?”

“In Hell.”

“What were you doing in Hell?”

“Hello? Hijacked.”  Kevin glanced at Hannah.  “Didn’t you tell him?  Anyway, that’s not the only person I saw in Hell.”  Kevin’s voice softened.  “Does Sam know what’s happened to Dean?”

Castiel nodded.  “Yes, he does. You saw Dean in Hell?”

“He was scary, Castiel.”

Castiel didn’t want to imagine what Dean had been up to since awakening as a demon.  Even if the cure worked, how would they ever get back the man he had once been?

“What was Crowley’s message?” 

“He said to tell Sam that Dean is possessing him while he sleeps and that he has a plan to get Dean back to him.  I don’t know what his plan is though.  He was chained in a cell…..I think it was the same chains he wore in the bunker.  How did those get to Hell?” 

Castiel frowned.  “I have no idea.”

“Can you help him, Cas?  Can you help Dean?” Tears filled Kevin’s eyes.  “He doesn’t deserve that fate.”

“No, he doesn’t.”  Castiel agreed. “Sam thinks we can use the cure on him.”

Metatron laughed gleefully from his cell. “Now this is getting interesting.”

“Shut up!” snapped Castiel.

“Don’t you want to hear what I know about that cure?” asked Metatron.

“What’s he talking about?”  asked Kevin.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about.  You’ve done all you can do.  It’s time for my friends to take you on to your reward, Kevin.  You deserve it.”

The angels that had followed Kevin into the room made ready to usher him out.

“I wish I could stay and help Dean.”

“Dean would want you to go.  He would want you to be happy.”

“Will I be?”

Castiel smiled.  “I’ll make sure of it.”


	8. Chapter 7

_When you feel my heat_

_Look into my eyes_

_It’s where my demons hide_

_It’s where my demons hide_

_Don’t get too close_

_It’s dark inside_

_It’s where my demons hide_

_It’s where my demons hide_

 

“Sam.”

“Go away.”

“Aw, that’s no way to treat your brother.”

“You’re not my brother.”

“That’s what you wanted, not me.  Everything I ever did was for you, little brother.”

_Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up._

“I just want you to do one thing for me.  Just one thing and we can be brothers again.  Isn’t that what you’ve been wishing for?”

_More than anything._

“Remember the demon blood, Sammy?  All you have to do is start drinking it again.”

“Dean would never ask me to do that.”

“Really?  How do you know what I would do?  How many times have you ever asked me what I really wanted or what I really thought?”

“YOU WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME!”

_God, please make it stop._

“Sure, I would have, Sammy.  You just didn’t want to know what was going on inside my head.  You were too afraid to know the real me.”

“I know my brother and you’re not him.”

“Yes, I am.  _This_ is the real me.”

Sam tried to brace himself for what he knew was coming.  The dreams always ended the same, no matter how many times he dreamed or how many different ways, Sam would come face to face with his brother and when Dean’s eyes flashed black, he would wake himself screaming.  This time was no different and Sam awoke, screaming into his pillow.

* * *

Sam was headed toward the kitchen to make some extra strong coffee when Castiel almost ran into him in the hallway.  He was holding a flask in one hand.

“Sam, I know where Dean is!”

Sam’s heart stammered in his chest. “Where?”

Castiel hurriedly opened the flask and tossed the cold, wet contents into Sam’s face.

“What the hell was that?” Sam sputtered.

“It didn’t work.”  Castiel seemed disappointed.

“If you were going for pissed, I’d say it worked.”  Sam wiped his face on the sleeve of his t-shirt.

“Your dreams.  I know why you’ve been having them.”

“Yeah, so do I, Cas.  It’s called guilt.”

“No, that’s not it.  Dean’s possessing you while you sleep.”

“I’m not asleep, Cas.” Sam said dryly.

“Oh.”

Sam grabbed Cas by the shoulders.  “Wait, how did you find this out?  You mean Dean was just here?”

“Yes, he’s been coming here every night that you have those dreams.”

Sam tried not to let himself get too excited but this was the first positive news he’d had in weeks.  “Do you know where he is when he’s not in my dreams?”

Castiel nodded and Sam couldn’t stop the tears from filling his eyes.  His brother was coming home.

* * *

“So, Crowley has a plan?”  Sam took a sip of his coffee, wondering if you could overdose on the stuff.  It was his sixth cup.

“Yes, but I have no idea what it is.  I don’t think he had time to tell Kevin.”

“If he’s chained up, I don’t how he can do anything.  Did you check to see if the chains are missing from downstairs?”

“They are.  I don’t know when Dean managed to get those.”

“Or how he’s getting in here in the first place.”  Sam tried to think of somewhere that might not be demon proofed.  “He must have taken care of that before he left that first night.”

It frightened him how his brother was forming a plan to drive him out of his mind almost before he fully realized he was a demon.  How far gone was he now?  Sam wondered if it would even be possible to bring him back.

_Yes, it has to be.  I WILL bring him back if it’s the last thing I do._

“Are we just supposed to sit here and wait for Crowley to show up?”  Sam was pretty sure he couldn’t just cool his heels waiting on an untrustworthy demon.

“I think that’s our only option for now.  We don’t know what his plan is and anything we do could mess it up.”

“Okay, I can wait for now because we have something else that needs to be taken care of first.”

“What’s that?” asked Castiel.

“We need to find you some grace.”

* * *

Dean showed up at Crowley’s cell, covered in blood, Jake and another demon at his side. 

“Hey, Crowley, what’s shaking?”

Crowley was fairly certain it might be him that was shaking but he didn’t want Dean to know.  He’d never been afraid of much but Dean Winchester as a demon was making him jumpy.  He didn’t want to say he was terrified…..at least not yet.

“We just got back from a slaughterhouse…I mean, not a literal one but….” Dean laughed and glance toward Jake and the other demon as if he expected them to laugh along with him.  They obediently obliged but Crowley thought they actually looked scared, which made him extremely uneasy. 

“Who did you kill this time, Dean?”  asked Crowley. 

“You’ll see it on the news.”  Dean examined Crowley’s tiny cell.  “Oh, I forgot you don’t have cable. I really should do something about that.”

Crowley had to wonder what Jake was doing with Dean but couldn’t say anything to betray Jake’s loyalties.  Jake was planning on breaking Crowley out the next time Dean smoked out of his body to visit Sam.  Crowley would take Dean’s body to the bunker, along with the cursed chains, and when Dean returned to his body Crowley wanted to be the one to slap the cuffs on him.

“So, I’ve just been wondering if you think I’m stupid, Crowley?”  Dean was leaning against the bars, sneering at him.

“No, I’ve never thought you were stupid, Dean.”  _Scary as hell, yes, stupid, no._

Dean nodded thoughtfully.  “Let me get this straight…..you don’t think I’m stupid, yet you thought you could conspire against me right under my own nose?”

“Conspire?”  Crowley tried to avoid eye contact with Jake.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Dean grabbed Jake and shoved him up against the cell bars.  “No?  Really?  Because I think you do, Crowley.”  As Dean viciously shoved the First Blade through Jake’s neck, Crowley realized the only plan he had was gone.  

Now he was terrified.

* * *

“Are you sure I can’t come with you?”  asked Sam.

The only thing Sam wanted more than his brother right now was a chance to kill Metatron.

“No, Sam.  I can handle Metatron.”  

“I just…..” 

“It’s better this way.  You would only try to kill him.”

“I don’t see a downside to that, Cas.  I really don’t.  He killed Dean.”  Sam wanted to plunge an angel blade into Metatron’s heart but he wasn’t sure the angel had one.  Stabbing him in the face would be an adequate substitute.

“I know, Sam.  But right now we need information from him and that information will help Dean.”

Sam sighed.  “You’re right.”

“I won’t be gone long and when I return, we’re bringing Dean home, with or without Crowley’s help.”

“Then hurry.”

* * *

Castiel found Metatron’s cell empty, even the books were gone. 

“HANNAH!!”

Hannah came hurrying through the prison doors.   She seemed surprised to see him. “Castiel, I didn’t know you were here.”

Cas pointed toward the empty cell.  “Where is he?”

“I don’t want you to be angry, sir.”

“WHERE IS HE?”

Hannah reached inside her coat and pulled out a small bottle with shimmering contents.  Castiel recognized it at once.  It was his grace.   

“How did you get that?”

“Metatron said you would never deal with him for your grace.  He said you’d rather die.”  Hannah placed the bottle in his hand and Castiel felt the familiar warmth through the glass.  “We need you, Castiel.”

“What did you do?”

“I made the deal you wouldn’t make.  I let Metatron go in exchange for your grace.”

Castiel crushed the bottle in his hand, the grace flowing back into him, filling him with strength to match the fury he felt.  The angels had wanted him to be their leader, a position he hadn’t desired but had taken because they needed someone to lead them.  Now they were undermining his decisions and Metatron had been let loose on the world again.

“Did he say anything to you about the demon cure?”

Hannah looked confused.  “The what?”

Whatever Metatron had known about the cure, if anything, was out of their reach.  If something happened to Sam or Dean because of Hannah’s misguided decision, she would be punished. 

“Sir, I was only….”

“I will deal with you later, Hannah.  You are dismissed.”

Hannah hurried from the room as Castiel opened his wings and flexed them for the first time in a long time.  No matter how angry he was, he couldn’t deny how wonderful it felt to finally be himself again.

* * *

Dean zipped up his pants, pushing Denise away.  She pouted and ran her hands up the inside of his thighs. 

“Get off of me, bitch.”  Dean slapped her hard across the face and had to resist the urge to snatch the First Blade from the bedside table.

Denise managed to give him a hurt look before running her tongue across the blood on her lips.  She smiled wickedly.  “You forget that I’m just as twisted as you, Dean.”

“That sounds like a challenge.”  Dean smirked.  “And here I was, getting bored with you.  Prove it.”

Denise slithered toward him, pushing him back onto the bed.  She pressed her mouth to his, forcing him to taste her blood, warm and sweet.  Dean moaned in spite of himself.  Blood lit a fire in him that felt as though it could never be quenched.  It had nothing to do with Denise.  She just happened to be the one to ignite it this time.

Dean let her have her way with him for about twenty minutes and then his need could no longer be contained.  He thrust into Denise over and over as she screamed into his shoulder.  Afterwards he cradled her in his arms one last time, her mouth open in a perpetual scream, her blood soaking his body, her death momentarily dousing the fire that was in danger of burning out of control.  The First Blade gleamed wickedly in his hand.

Dean smiled.  Life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.....that was hard to write.


	9. Chapter 8

“I feel like I should be going with you.”

Sam paced the length of the room.  He’d been unable to sit still since Castiel had returned with his grace fully restored.  Tonight they were bringing Dean home.  Sam would be the sleeping decoy while Cas snuck into Hell to retrieve Dean’s body and the shackles they needed.  Crowley was optional.  Right now, Sam still wanted him dead.

Sam’s adrenaline was pumping and for the first time in weeks, he wondered if he would be able to fall asleep.  Their plan pretty much depended on it but right now, his exhaustion was eluding him.

_I’ll sleep.  Once I hit the pillow, I have no other choice.  It’s the only way to bring Dean home._

Castiel watched him as he paced.  “I’ll be fine, Sam. You have to stay here.  Otherwise, this will never work. Crowley gave me the grand tour of Hell so I know places that Dean probably doesn’t even know about.  I hope that’s to my advantage. Sam, we have something else we need to discuss.  Can you sit down for a minute?”

Castiel’s tone told him it was serious so he sat down across the table from the angel.  “What is it, Cas?”

“Metatron mentioned something about the cure.”

“What about it?”  Sam’s foot tapped impatiently against the floor.  He couldn’t help it.  He needed to be doing something.  He needed to be saving his brother.

“I don’t know.  Before I could find out what he might know, Hannah made the deal.  He may not know anything but we’ve got to think this through, Sam.”

“I have thought it through, Cas.  It’s the only thing that will save Dean.  That’s all that matters.”

_You’re not talking me out of this._

“No, it’s not.  I don’t know if Metatron knew anything but I’ve been thinking about it and what if it finishes the trials, Sam?”  Castiel gave him a pleading look, one that begged him to think of himself but Sam’s only concern was Dean. 

“No.”  Sam shook his head vehemently.  “It’s not going to do that.”

“How can you be certain?”  asked Cas.

“Because I know how I felt when I did the trials and that’s long gone.  It was cured by Gadreel and you.  Whatever magic was there, it’s gone.  I’m sure of it and besides, it doesn’t matter.  I’m doing this.”

Castiel gave a frustrated sigh.  “It’s not going to do any good to cure Dean if it hurts you.  Can’t we get someone else to do this?”

“There’s no one else who can do this, Cas.”

_You don’t understand._

“We can get anyone to donate the purified blood, Sam.  Someone else could do the exorcism.  It doesn’t have to be you.”

“YES, IT DOES!”  Sam yelled, jumping to his feet and pounding on the table.  “I’M SAVING MY BROTHER IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!”

“Sam….”

“You don’t understand, Cas.”  Sam fought to keep the tears at bay but found it to be a losing battle.  “I have to do this.  After everything I’ve done, all the years of disappointment, I have to be the one who saves him.  It has to be me.”

Sam searched for the words to make the angel understand why this was so important.

“Ever since Dean was four years old, he’s been saving me, taking care of me and what did I do?  I disappointed him more times than I can count.”

“Sam, that’s not true.”

Sam wiped at his eyes.  “It _is_ true.  When he made the deal for me, I promised I’d find a way to save him from Hell but I didn’t.  And then I couldn’t find a way to get him out.  That was you, Cas!”

“Should I say I’m sorry?”  Castiel seemed confused.

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Cas.  I’m sorry for all the times I couldn’t save my brother.  After everything he’s done for me….and I couldn’t even be bothered to look for him when he was in Purgatory.  What kind of brother does that, Cas?”  Tears were now flowing freely down his cheeks.  “A horrible one.  That’s the answer, Cas.  I told myself I wanted to be like Dean but he never had one selfish bone in his body.  He was always thinking of others before himself, always thinking of me, and all I’ve ever been is a selfish son of a bitch who was only worried about himself and how I could escape from this way of life.”

“Dean loves you.”

“I know he does.  That’s not the point, Cas. The point is I have never done anything for him.  I have never shown him how much he means to me.  Why the hell would I do that?  Why wouldn’t I let my brother know what he means to me?  Why wouldn’t I tell him he’s the most important person in my life?  Why would I wait until he’s dead to even think about these things?  Why……??”

Sam collapsed into the chair he had vacated moments earlier and buried his face in his hands. It had to be him.  He couldn’t let his brother down anymore.  It didn’t matter if it killed him.  Dean had to see that he was important to him.  He had to.  Whatever it took to make him see this, Sam was going to do it.  He’d taken his brother for granted far too long.

Sam felt Castiel’s hand on his head.  “I understand, Sam.  We’ll do this your way.”

Sam scrubbed his hands across his face, took a deep breath and looked up at Cas.  “Okay, then, let’s bring him home.”

* * *

Castiel stood in the doorway, watching the youngest Winchester toss fitfully in his brother’s bed.  He wished he could be certain Dean was already here but he knew if he stayed close by, Dean might never show.  Castiel closed the door behind him and descended to the depths of Hell.

* * *

As ludicrous as the thought had sounded when it first crossed his mind, Crowley had decided gnawing through his wrists _might_ be the only way he was ever going to get out of Hell.  He’d been thinking about it for days and as appalling as the idea was, it was the only one he had, although he hadn’t quite figured out what to do about the iron collar around his neck.  He hoped his hands would still do his bidding even if they weren’t attached because no other demons had come forward to offer their help.  They were all too frightened of Dean.  Somehow Dean had a way of knowing everything going on in Hell, which on top of being terrifying also filled Crowley with envy.  Even he hadn’t been able to keep track of everything. 

Crowley had just taken the first unpleasant bite of his own flesh when the door to his cell flew open.

“Oh, bloody hell!  How do you know _everything_?”  Crowley cried.  He turned toward the cell door but instead of Dean, it was Castiel who stood there.  Crowley felt weak with relief.  “Oh, praise God.”

“I think you’re a little too late for that.” 

“Would you rather I praise Lucifer?”  Crowley held up his manacled wrists.  “Can you get me out of these sodding things?”

“I don’t have the key.  Do you know where it is?”

“Are you joking?  Can’t you just wave your hand or something?  You’ve obviously gotten your grace back.”

“I’m not doing anything that might compromise those restraints.  We need them.  Where’s the key?”

“It’s around the neck of Dean, the wonder demon.”  Crowley glanced out the doorway of the cell.  Sweet freedom was so close.  He held out his wrists, appealing to Cas one more time.  “I suggest you compromise.”

* * *

Castiel yanked the chain just a bit harder than necessary as Crowley mumbled in protest while stumbling along behind him.  They had come to a fork in the tunnels. 

“Which way, Crowley?”

“Would you like for me to wag my tail and point?”

Castiel tried not to grin at Crowley’s discomfort.  “If only your hellhounds could see you now.”

“I would die of mortification.”

“We can only hope,”  said Cas.  He tugged again on the chain around Crowley’s neck.  “Which way?”

“This way.”  Crowley motioned toward the left.  “It’s close.”

The tunnel opened up into a wide chamber just ahead of them.

“Will there be guards?”  asked Castiel.

“Probably.  Dean’s not dumb enough to leave his meat suit unguarded but they won’t be anything you can’t handle.”

Castiel nodded, releasing his hold on the chain.  Crowley rubbed at his neck. 

“Stay here.  I’ll be right back.”

“As if I have anywhere else to go.”  Crowley retorted.

Castiel disappeared into the darkness and Crowley glanced around fearfully, hoping Dean Winchester was nowhere near Hell at this moment or this could end very badly indeed.

* * *

Dean was standing at the end of a long narrow passageway, beckoning to Sam.

“Sammy, are you coming?”

“Where?”

“To be with me.”

“I don’t want to be in Hell, Dean.”

“Who said anything about Hell?”

Sam realized his unconscious mind had just given away the fact that he knew Dean’s whereabouts.

_Where are you, Cas?_

As if the angel had been waiting for the sound of his name, Sam’s body began to burn as holy water doused him in his sleep.  Dean began to scream.

“What have you done, Sammy?”

For the first time in any of these dreams, Sam smiled.  “I’m saving my brother.”

Sam jerked awake as Dean smoked out of him, Dean’s screams reverberating through his body.  Castiel was standing by the bed, handcuffs at the ready.  “Get out of the bed, Sam.”

As Sam tumbled from the bed, he realized Dean’s body was there beside him.  Castiel had poured a ring of salt on the floor to confine Dean to the small area surrounding the bed.  Dean had nowhere to go but back into his own body.  As he did so, he began to curse in protest. 

“YOU CAN’T FUCKING KEEP ME HERE!”

Castiel quickly snapped the cuffs around Dean’s wrists.  He held tightly to him as Dean writhed in his grasp.

“Sam, get the one around his neck!”

Sam grabbed the chain but when he started toward Dean, he froze at the sight of Dean’s black eyes.

“Don’t you touch me, Sam,” snarled Dean.  “Listen to your big brother.”

“You’re not my brother,” whispered Sam.

“SAM! THE CHAIN!”

“Oh, but I am your brother, Sammy, whether you like it or not.  NOW LET ME GO!”  Dean reached toward Sam and Castiel’s face contorted at the strain of holding him.

Dean turned and glared at Castiel.  “I’m going to kill you, angel.”

Sam forced himself to snap the cuff around Dean’s neck, backing away quickly to hide his trembling hands.  

Dean gave him a wicked smile.  “You’re gonna regret this, little brother.”


	10. Chapter 9

_Take a breath_

_I pull myself together_

_Just another step_

_Until I reach the door_

_You’ll never know the way_

_It tears me up inside to see you_

_I wish that I could tell you something_

_To take it all away_

_Sometimes I wish I could save you_

_And there’s so many things that I want you to know_

_I won’t give up til it’s over_

_If it takes you forever I want you to know_

 

Castiel found Sam outside room 7B.  The concealed room inside had been consecrated before retrieving Dean’s body from Hell.  The hardest part, so far, had been wrestling Dean into it.  He’d not gone willingly but Castiel knew the hardest part for Sam hadn’t even begun.  From the depths of the room, Dean was screaming and cursing, threatening to kill anyone who came through the door.

Sam was sitting cross-legged in the floor, his back against the wall, tears in his eyes.  Castiel hunkered in front of him.

“Sam, are you okay?”

Sam’s face told Castiel he was anything but okay but Sam stubbornly nodded his head.  “I can do this.  I _have_ to do this.”

Sam’s eyes were swimming with pain and Castiel hated himself for having to add to it.  “There’s something you need to know before you start.”

“CASTIEL!  I HEAR YOU OUT THERE.  I’M GOING TO RIP YOU APART!”

Dean’s words seemed to awaken something in Sam.  He grasped Castiel’s arm.  “Cas, what did you do with the First Blade?”

“It’s safe, Sam, but you need to know what Crowley told me about the Mark.”

“SAMMY!  LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Sam cringed at his brother’s voice.  “Tell me, Cas.”

“Crowley said the Mark was making Dean sick before he died.  The First Blade’s purpose is to kill and combined with the Mark, it’s probably the most powerful weapon we’ll ever come across but its power can’t be contained by a human body.  As long as Dean has the Mark, the First Blade is going to demand that he kill and if he doesn’t……”  Castiel found he couldn’t finish the sentence.  They didn’t go through all of this just to watch Dean die again. 

“What am I supposed to do, Cas?”  Sam’s voice broke.  “I can’t leave him like this.”

“Crowley is looking for a solution.  There has to be some way to remove the Mark.”

Sam scoffed.  “And Crowley is so reliable.”

“In this case, yes.  He doesn’t want Dean coming back to Hell.  You should have seen him when I found him.”  Castiel tried not to laugh at the memory of leading Crowley around like a dog on a leash.  He sobered quickly when he remembered doing the same thing to Dean just hours ago.

“Then I’m going to start the cure.  If Crowley is scared of Dean, he’ll find a way to get rid of the Mark and if he doesn’t, I will.  I’m not going to lose him again.”  Sam got to his feet and Castiel followed.  “So, how should I do this whole confession thing? We don’t have a church.  Can I just confess to you?”

“You already did, Sam.”

“What?  No, I didn’t.”  Sam gave him a puzzled look.

“Yesterday you confessed to me why you had to be the one to save Dean.  There’s nothing you can say after that to make your blood any purer.”  Castiel clasped him by the shoulder.  “You’re ready, Sam.”

Sam took a deep breath. “I hope so.”

* * *

Dean ceased his yelling when Sam poked his head through the door.  The kid looked like shit, death on a cracker. 

“Is this when the fun begins?”  Dean eyed the syringe in Sam’s hand.  “Do you really think that’s gonna work on me?”

“Yes.”

Dean sneered.  “Come on, Sam.  You’re supposed to be the smart one.  I’m not your average demon.”

“Maybe not but you’re still a demon.”  Dean heard the doubt in Sam’s voice.  He had no idea if this would work, which gave Dean hope.

“I’m also still you’re brother.  Do you really want to make me suffer?”

Sam hesitated.  “You’re not my brother.”

Dean laughed. “You keep saying it but you know it’s not true. I’m fine with this, Sammy.  It’s who I was meant to be.”

“No, it’s not.”  Sam inched closer to him and Dean could see fear etched with unbearable pain on his brother’s face.  “You were a good man, Dean, a good brother.  I know that man is still in there somewhere.”

“If that story helps you sleep at night, then okay.”  He peered at his brother.  “But I don’t think you’ve been sleeping very much.”

“Whose fault is that?”

Dean chuckled.  “I missed you, Sammy.  I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Then send me a card next time and stay the hell out of my head!”  Sam moved so quickly Dean didn’t have time to react before the needle was plunged into his neck.  Too late, he made a grab for his brother but the collar around his neck limited his movements.  Castiel had made sure to give him no slack.  He could barely move.

As Sam hurried from the room, slamming the door behind him, Dean screamed:  “IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK, SAMMY!”

Dean began to laugh loudly as he heard Sam weeping on the other side of the door.

“YOU CAN’T SAVE ME, SAMMY!  YOU NEVER COULD!” 

* * *

 

“Sam, it’s time.”

Sam jerked awake at the sound of Castiel’s voice.  Somehow, even with all of Dean’s yelling, he’d managed to doze off. He’d been dreaming.  It was a dream from his childhood, more like a series of memories….Dean walking him to school, Dean cooking his dinner, Dean giving him advice on girls.  Dean had been more than a brother to him.  He’d been a father, a mother, a best friend…...his world.  What he had to face now was not his brother.  He had to remember that.  It was the only way he could finish this.  His brother was not in that room, but at the end of seven more hours, he would be. 

* * *

 

It was almost time for injection number seven and up until thirty minutes ago, Dean had still been yelling every obscenity he could imagine at the top of his lungs and unfortunately, he had a good imagination.

“It’s almost over, Sam.”  Castiel said encouragingly.

Castiel had been keeping a close eye on him.  Sam knew he was still worried about the possibility of the procedure resuming the trials but Sam felt fine……if you could call exhausted, terrified, and slightly drunk fine.  He grimaced as he swallowed the last of his drink, wondering how many he’d had.

He grabbed the syringe from the table and jabbed it into his vein.  The irony of his blood being able to cure a demon suddenly struck him.  His blood had been tainted by demon blood since he was six months old but he’d felt as though the trials had been purifying him, cleansing him of the burden he’d been forced to bear.  Was that true?  Had he been cleansed?  He hadn’t given it much thought until now but he had seen the effect it had on Crowley.  Confession wouldn’t have done anything to his blood unless…..

_Unless it was human blood._

He began to laugh while tears ran down his cheeks.

“Sam, are you okay?”

“I’m better than I’ve been in years, Cas.”

Castiel seemed doubtful.

“I’m fine, Cas.”  He stood up, syringe gripped tightly in his hand.  “Open the door.”

* * *

As Sam approached Dean, he appeared to be sleeping. 

_Demons don’t sleep._

“Dean?”

Dean raised his head and Sam braced himself for the barrage of obscenities that was sure to follow.

“Sammy?”

_Are those tears in his eyes?_

“Yeah, Dean.”

“Do you remember what our lives used to be like before?”

“Before what?”

“Before demons, before angels.”  Dean gazed at him earnestly.  “We used to have good times, didn’t we?”

Sam nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.  “Yeah, we did.”

“I shouldn’t have messed with your head, Sammy.”

_You still are, Dean._   Only this time Sam wasn’t sure if it was Dean’s intention.

“I’m going to give you another injection.”  Sam held up the syringe for him to see.

“I know.”

Sam approached his brother ( _not my brother, not yet_ ) cautiously.   Every other time he’d had to dart in quickly and jab the needle into his neck but this time all of Dean’s fight seemed to be gone.  Was the cure working or had Dean just found a different mind game to play?  He knew how this process worked.  He could use it against Sam.

When Sam got close enough to administer the dose, Dean only stared at him with tear-filled eyes.  As he watched his blood drain into his brother’s neck, he said, “I’m going to save you.”

Sam flinched as Dean’s eyes flashed black.  “That’s what you said when I went to Hell the first time.”

* * *

“SAMMY, I’M SORRY!”

For the last hour Dean had done nothing but plead with him through the door.  He’d begged for Sam’s forgiveness, begged for his release, and had even begged Sam to kill him.  The sound of it simultaneously broke Sam’s heart and filled it with joy.

As he extracted the last syringe from his arm, he knew without a doubt in just a matter of minutes, he was finally going to be reunited with his brother.

* * *

“Sammy, _please,_ make it stop.”  Dean began pleading with him as soon he opened the door.

Sam held up the syringe.  “It’s all going to be over soon.”

Dean sagged against his restraints.   “Thank you, little brother.”

Sam trembled at the sound of Dean’s voice.  It already sounded so much like his brother but he knew he had to complete the cure in order for Dean to be whole.

“Cas, you ready?”

Castiel nodded at his post by the door.  It was the only time Sam had allowed Cas to enter with him.  He had to have the angel in order to heal Dean’s wound.  It was the one thing he was unable to do, although he wished with all his heart that he could.

Dean made no attempt to resist as Sam plunged the final dose of blood into his neck.  His eyes locked with Sam’s as Sam tossed the syringe aside and began reciting the exorcism.

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus. Hanc animan redintegra lustra!”

Sam reached for the knife he had tucked into his back pocket, his eyes never leaving Dean’s. 

“Finish it, Sammy.”

Sam sliced into his palm, barely registering the pain, heart pounding in his chest as he placed his hand over Dean’s mouth.  Dean screamed against his hand, his back arched in agony as his eyes flashed from black to green.

“Castiel, loosen the neck iron!  Hurry!”  Sam held his hand firmly in place, transfixed by the war raging in Dean’s eyes.

“Sam, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“It’s going to choke him!” cried Sam.  “Do it now!”

Castiel unfastened Dean’s chain from the wall but didn’t remove the collar from his neck.  Dean collapsed to the floor, pulling Sam with him. 

“Cas!” 

Castiel knelt beside Dean and placed his hand on Dean’s chest.  Sam retrieved the key for the neck iron and removed it from his brother’s neck.  As he reached for the cuffs, Castiel shook his head.

“Just in case.”

“You saw him, Cas.  It was Dean.”

Dean remained unresponsive on the floor and Castiel frowned.

“Dean, hey, come on.”  Sam held his brother’s shackled hands in both of his own.  “Come back to me, Dean.  You gotta come back to me.  _Please._ ”

“It’s not working, Sam.”

“THEN KEEP TRYING!”  cried Sam.  “Come on, Dean, please……”

Dean’s eyes flew open and he gulped in a great breath of air.  “S-Sammy?”

“Yeah, Dean, it’s me.”  Sam smiled.

“Sammy, what….”   Sam saw the realization of everything that had happened cross Dean’s face in a matter of seconds.  The eyes that had been black only moments before were now bright green and shining with tears.

“What have I done?”  whispered Dean.

“Dean, it’s gonna be okay.”  Sam gently reached for his brother’s hands to free them but Dean scooted backwards across the floor, scrambling toward the door.  Castiel blocked his escape and Dean cried out in anguish.

“Dean….”  Sam approached his brother slowly, again reaching for the cuffs encircling his brother’s wrists but Dean jerked away at his touch.

“Don’t touch me, Sammy.”  Dean looked around helplessly, tears coursing down his cheeks.  “I don’t know what I am.  Sammy, I-I don’t know w-w-what I am.  I’ve done….horrible things.  The things I d-did to y-you……”

Dean couldn’t finish the sentence as sobs overtook him.  Sam enfolded his weeping brother in his arms, burying his face in his brother’s neck, his own tears mingling with Dean’s. Dean moaned against him, his shackled hands clutching at Sam’s collar.

“I’m s-sorry, Sammy.  ’m so sorry.”  Dean’s moans turned to a wail and Sam held him tight, relishing the feel of Dean’s heart beating against his own. 

Dean finally pulled away from him, his face tormented by memories of the horrors he’d committed.  In a broken voice he asked, “W-what am I, Sammy?”

“You’re my brother, Dean.”  Sam reached for the restraints and this time Dean didn’t resist.  As the cuffs fell away, Sam grasped his brother’s grief-stricken face in both hands, resting his forehead against Dean’s.  “You’re my brother and you’re home.”


	11. Chapter 10

_Pull me from the darkness_

_Lift me back into the light_

_Fill this empty vessel_

_Fill this hole I have inside_

_Am I worth forgiveness?_

_I can't make myself believe_

_Show me that you're listening_

_And tear this devil out of me_

_I want to be a good man_

_Is there any good left in me?_

 

Dean was sitting on the edge of Sam's bed, staring at his hands. Sam had brought Dean to his room, thinking it was too soon for Dean to go to his own, the room where he'd risen as a demon and the room where they'd bound him. He wanted to protect Dean from as much pain as possible but watching his brother's face, it seemed nothing would be able to do that.

"Do you want something to eat, Dean?"

Dean shook his head.

"Are you sure? There are burgers in the freezer. It will only take a minute."

"No, I'm…uh, can I…..can I take a shower?" Dean's voice was almost a whisper.

"You don't have to ask my permission, Dean." Sam said softly.

"I'm just….." Dean finally pulled his gaze away from his hands and glanced up at his brother, his eyes full of self-loathing. "I'm dirty, Sammy."

Sam swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and nodded. "I'll get some things from your room."

Dean pushed himself up from the bed. "I can do it."

Sam started to protest but saw the pleading look in Dean's eyes. Whatever was going on in his head right now, this was something he needed to do.

"Okay, Dean, but I'm right here if you need me."

"Thanks, Sammy."

* * *

Dean stood at the door of his room, but he couldn't seem to make his feet move. This was where it had all started, the nightmare that was playing on a never-ending loop in his head.

_How am I supposed to live with this?_

Dean sighed heavily, finally forcing his feet over the threshold.

_See what I see. Feel what I feel._

Dean shuddered at the memory of Crowley's words. He didn't want to see or feel those things….not anymore.

_That's the key words…...not anymore. You loved being a demon, free to be the kind of man you really are._

Dean shook his head in denial.

_I don't want to be that man._

Dean rummaged through his things, finally settling on a faded pair of jeans and an old Led Zeppelin t-shirt, comfortable things. He needed that right now.

As he headed toward the bathroom, he felt Sam peeking out of his bedroom door, keeping an eye on him. The kid needed to get some sleep. He looked like hell.

_I did that to him._

Dean stood at the bathroom mirror for a long time, studying his reflection. Sam wasn't the only one who looked like hell. He wished he could block out the memory of seeing his demonic eyes in his own bedroom mirror, which he had ripped from the wall and thrown at Crowley. He leaned close to the mirror and stared into his eyes. Was the demon really gone?

_It will never be gone. It's inside you. It's always been inside you._

"I want to be a good man," Dean whispered to his reflection but his reflection only stared back at him with the eyes of a man who knew what kind of horrors he was capable of committing.

Dean finally turned away from the mirror and stripped off his clothes, dropping them onto the floor.

_I'm gonna salt and burn those._

He turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature of the water until it was just short of scalding, and stepped under the stream. He grabbed the soap and began scrubbing, tears mingling with the water on his face, knowing he could never scrub hard enough to make himself clean again.

* * *

Dean stood in the shower until the water ran cold and his skin was scrubbed almost raw. As he reached for the knob to turn off the water, the Mark on his arm seemed to mock him. It was another reminder of the things he had done and Dean knew if he couldn't somehow get rid of it, it was all going to happen again. He couldn't come back from that twice. He wasn't that strong.

He quickly pulled on his jeans and ran barefoot down the hall to his room. He found what he was looking for and headed back toward the bathroom. Sam met him in the hall.

"Dean, are you okay?"

Dean never slowed his pace as he replied, "I'm getting rid of this damn Mark."

Sam followed him into the bathroom. "We're working on that, Dean."

"I need it gone now!"

Dean held his arm over the bathroom sink, slicing into the Mark with the knife he'd retrieved from his bedroom.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Sam cried in horror.

Dean ignored his brother and cut deeper, blood running down his arm.

"Dean, stop it." Sam reached for the knife but Dean jerked it out of his reach.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" he screamed into his brother's face.

White hot pain suddenly flooded his body causing him to lose his grip on the knife. As it clattered to the floor, his stomach began to heave. He lurched toward the toilet and fell to his knees. As he began to retch, Sam knelt at his side, placing a comforting hand on his back.

Dean wiped at his mouth with his hand and fell back against his brother. "I can't do this again, Sammy."

"We'll figure this out, Dean." Sam snagged a discarded towel with his free hand and wrapped it around Dean's bleeding arm. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Sammy, you have to promise me if we can't get rid of the Mark, you'll find a way to kill me."

"Dean, I'm not going to kill you."

Dean clutched at his brother's shirt. "You have to promise me. I can't do it again, Sammy. I just can't. _Please_ promise me."

Dean tried not to cry. He hated crying in front of his brother but he couldn't shove the fear down. He was terrified of turning into a demon again….terrified of being the monster he'd fought so hard not to become. He buried his face in his brother's chest to hide the tears.

Sam's arms encircled him, one hand cradling the back of his head and Dean tried to draw strength from his brother. Sam was the strong one. He was the one who never knew when to give up. He was the one who had defeated Lucifer. If anyone could find a way to get him out of this, it would be Sam.

But if he couldn't…...

"Please promise me, Sam."

Sam's arms tightened around him. "The only thing I'm promising you is that I'm not going to lose you again."


	12. Chapter 11

Sam yawned and stretched as he watched the rise and fall of Dean's chest while he slept. It had taken a long time but Dean had finally fallen into a restless sleep. Sam rubbed his hands across his face, knowing he should be getting some sleep himself but he couldn't bring himself to leave his brother's side.

He heard something rustle outside the bedroom door.

"Cas, you don't have to lurk in the hallway. You can come in."

The angel sidled awkwardly into the room. "I didn't want to intrude."

"You're family, Cas."

"How is he?"

"He's struggling with what he's done."

"What about the Mark?"

Sam shook his head. "It's already starting. He's been sick at least twice that I know of. Where the hell is Crowley? We need to get rid of that Mark."

"I'll find him, Sam. You take care of your brother." Castiel peered at him closely. "Take care of yourself too. You need to rest."

Sam gave Cas a weary smile. "I'm not going to rest until this is over."

* * *

Dean began to cry out in his sleep sometime during the wee hours of the morning. Sam had nodded off in his chair beside the bed but was instantly awake at the sound of his brother's voice. He moved to the edge of the bed, placing his hand on Dean's chest.

"I'm right here, Dean."

Dean's eyes fluttered open and Sam saw sheer terror in their depths. He gasped for breath as he clutched Sam's hand.

"It was just a dream." Sam squeezed his hand and gave him a reassuring smile.

"It wasn't a dream, Sammy." Dean's voice was rough from sleep. "I did those things."

"It wasn't you."

"But it was me, Sammy….. _it was me_." Dean moaned and clutched his stomach. "Sammy….."

Sam quickly retrieved the waste basket and held it for his brother as Dean began to retch violently. When he finally fell back against his pillow, Sam saw there was blood on his brother's lips and Dean was shivering. Sam held the back of his hand to Dean's forehead.

"You're burning up."

"It's calling me, Sammy."

"What?" Sam gently wiped his brother's bloody mouth with a tissue. "What's calling you?"

"The Blade." Dean grasped Sam's arm almost painfully. "Where is it?"

"I don't know, Dean. Cas took care of it."

"It's here. I can feel it."

_Dammit, Cas. Why is it still in the bunker?_

"Sammy, I'm scared."

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Dean. You have to believe me, okay?"

Dean nodded but Sam could read the doubt on his face.

"Do you trust me?"

"I trust you, Sammy. It's me I don't trust."

* * *

"Sam, can I speak with you?"

Sam jumped at the sound of Castiel's voice. Dean was sleeping and Sam had once again nodded off in his chair. He glanced at his brother and then followed Castiel out into the main living area where he found Crowley waiting for him.

"Hello, Moose."

"Did you find out anything about the Mark?" demanded Sam.

"What? Not even a "how are you?" or a "hello?" I'm hurt, Sam."

Sam started toward Crowley but Castiel stepped in between them. "He has some news, Sam, but it's not good."

"Do you know how to get rid of the Mark or not?"

"Yes, but unfortunately, there are only two ways it can be done. Dean can transfer it to someone who is worthy, the way Cain transferred it to him, or Lucifer can remove it, since he's the originator of the Mark."

Sam felt as if he had taken a blow to the gut. How was either one of those an option? Dean would never agree to transfer the Mark to someone else, unless it was possibly a demon….but he wouldn't want any demon to have that kind of power. And Lucifer was locked away in the cage.

"Sam, are you okay?" asked Cas.

"He looks a little peaky, if you ask me," said Crowley.

"Nobody asked you," retorted Cas.

"Okay, we don't have any choice here." The limited possibilities had run through Sam's head rather quickly. "We have to bust Lucifer out of the cage."

"Sam, you know we can't do that."

"Why not, Cas? We know how to open the cage. We let him out, I say yes, and then I remove the Mark and pop Lucifer back into the cage." Sam shrugged. "No big deal."

"Look me in the eye and tell me you think that plan will work." Castiel gave him a piercing stare and Sam looked away.

"He won't transfer the Mark, Cas." Sam's voice was hollow. "You know he won't."

"Sounds like you only have one choice then," said Crowley. "Which means I'll be leaving the country right about now."

"NO!" cried Sam. "I need you to do one more thing."

Crowley sighed. "Bloody hell, Moose, what else do you want from me?"

"I need you to summon Death. We need his ring to open the cage."

* * *

"Sam, you can't be serious."

Castiel followed Sam down the hallway as he hurried to check on Dean. Crowley was gathering what they needed to summon Death.

"I told you I'd do whatever I have to in order to save Dean."

"Dean wouldn't want you to do this."

Sam whirled around, glaring at Cas. "Dean doesn't need to know. He's suffering enough."

"You know what this did to you the last time, Sam," reminded Cas gently.

"It doesn't matter. I'm fine now." Sam pushed open the bedroom door and found Dean's bed empty.

"Where is he?" asked Cas.

Sam hurried back down the hall to the bathroom but Dean wasn't there either. He peeked into Dean's bedroom and saw Dean's phone and other things lying on the bed but his boots, which had been in the floor, were gone.

"Dammit!"

"Where would he go?" asked Cas.

"I have no idea but he didn't take his keys so unless he took something besides the Impala, he can't be far. Cas, check the garage and see if anything else is missing."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going out to search around the bunker. Meet me there when you're done in the garage."

Sam pounded up the stairs just as Crowley reappeared with the things they needed to summon Death.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"Dean's missing."

"Oh, lovely." Crowley nodded toward the paraphernalia in his hand. "Still want me to do this?"

"Yes. Tell Death what we need and don't screw it up, Crowley. Your ass is on the line here, too."

"You don't think I know that? You didn't see your brother in Hell. No wonder he's…."

Sam slammed the door to the bunker as Crowley prattled on. He didn't have time for Crowley's lamentations. He had to find Dean.

* * *

Dean staggered through the trees, stopping to heave at regular intervals. He realized he wasn't making it very difficult for anyone to follow him but he was hoping to make it to the road and hitch a ride. He hadn't wanted to risk taking the Impala for fear of causing an accident and killing some innocent person. He'd spilled enough blood. He didn't want to be responsible for anymore, which is why he had to leave.

The Blade continued to call to him as long as he was in the bunker and then he'd overheard Sam's conversation with Castiel and Crowley as he'd stumbled back from the bathroom. He couldn't let Sammy do that. The kid had been through enough the first go around with Lucifer. He wasn't going to make him suffer through that again.

Dean squinted in the direction of the road, or at least where he thought the road should be. He'd left the bunker through the garage and had cut through the woods instead of taking the direct route to the main road. He thought he could make out the pavement up ahead. He just needed to stop and rest for a minute. He leaned against a small tree and wiped the sweat from his forehead. The sun was shining brightly overhead but Dean couldn't stop shivering.

_I'll just rest a minute._

The world around Dean began to spin and he collapsed to the ground in a heap. He heard someone calling his name.

"Dean? Dean?"

Familiar hands grasped his face and Dean gazed up into the sorrowful eyes of his little brother. His lips tried to form words but he was unable to speak. A tear slipped from his eye.

"Dean!" Sam yelled into his face.

_Right here, Sammy. Don't need to yell._

"Don't you leave me, Dean."

Sam's strong arms gathered him from the ground. Dean's head lolled against his brother's chest and he finally found the strength he needed to form two coherent words.

"Why, Sammy?"

He could hear Sam's heart thumping next to his ear.

"Because you're my brother, Dean, and I need you."

Dean managed a weak smile.

_Need you too, Sammy._

* * *

Sam carried his brother down the bunker stairs and had the horrible sense of déjà vu. He blinked back the tears in his eyes. No time for that now. He had to save Dean.

Death was standing in the bunker, looking mildly annoyed. Crowley and Castiel appeared to be explaining the situation to him but Castiel hurried toward Sam when he made it down the stairs.

"Is he….?"

Castiel left the question hanging.

"He's still alive, but barely. We have to hurry, Cas."

Castiel followed him toward the bedroom. "We have a problem, Sam."

Sam lowered his brother to the bed and pulled a blanket up to his chin. Dean was shivering uncontrollably.

"What's the problem?"

"The problem would be me." Death was standing in the open bedroom door. Crowley hovered behind him, just out of reach.

"He doesn't want to give us his ring, Sam," explained Cas.

"I have to have the ring….um, sir." Sam swallowed hard. "Lucifer is the only one who can remove the Mark from my brother."

Death gave an exaggerated sigh. "Why is it always something with you two?" He strode over to the bed and gazed down at Dean. "Why doesn't Cain just take the Mark back?"

Sam threw up his hands. "Do you think we have any idea where he is? I would be glad to have Cain take back the Mark but he's a knight of Hell and they can only be summoned by Lucifer. So, either way, we need your ring."

"I'm not going to help you free Lucifer, Sam, and you should probably watch your tone if you want my help at all."

Sam refused to lower his eyes from Death's scrutinizing stare. Death had to understand how far he was willing to go to save Dean. He wasn't afraid of Death. He was afraid of losing his brother.

"Please don't let my brother die again. Please help me."

Time seemed to stretch out for an eternity but finally Death spoke. "I can bring you Cain."

"You can do that?" asked Sam.

"I can," replied Death. "The question is: will he be willing to take back the Mark?"

"He has to," replied Sam.

_I won't take no for an answer._

* * *

"How is he, Cas?"

Sam watched the angel anxiously as Cas rested his hand on Dean's forehead.

"He's not good, Sam." Castiel's face was full of sadness. "He doesn't have long."

"Where the hell is Death?"

Sam glanced at his watch and saw that it had only been ten minutes since Death had left but in Sam's mind that was plenty of time for him to have found Cain.

"I'm right here, Sam."

Sam whirled around, coming face to face with Death, who had a very disgruntled looking man at his side.

"Is this Cain?" asked Sam.

"Yes, it is but I'm afraid he's not in a very cooperative mood." Death took a seat in Sam's usual post by the bed.

"Please." Sam appealed to Cain. "You have to take back the Mark."

Cain curiously peered over Sam's shoulder at Dean. "What happened to him?"

"You know what happened to him. The same thing that happened to you."

"But he's human now?"

Sam nodded. "There's a cure but as long as he has the Mark, the cure won't last. He's going to die again and I can't let that happen."

"So, you want me to take back the Mark? The thing that I carried for years? The thing that turned me into an abomination? You want me to do that just because you don't want your brother to be the same thing?" Cain glared at Sam. "What if I would rather be cured?"

Sam knew he had to choose his words wisely in order to convince Cain to reclaim the Mark. "You've been a demon for thousands of years. Dean was only a demon for a few weeks. I've seen how it's eating him up inside. What do you think it would do to you?"

"You don't think I deserve a chance to find out?" Cain gave a heavy sigh. "All I ever wanted was a chance to be human again once I met Colette. Abaddon took that away from me."

"Please don't take that chance away from my brother," begged Sam. "He's a good man."

Cain nodded. "Yes, I could see that when I met him. He's a driven man who doesn't always make the wisest decisions but still a good man. I warned him there would be consequences when he took the Mark but he didn't listen."

"He never does."

_Always the hero, my big brother._

"Okay, let's do this before I change my mind. I wanted rid of the Mark so that someday I could call on Dean to kill me but I guess that wasn't meant to be."

"Why would you want to die?" asked Sam.

"Would you want to live if the only thing in your life worth living for was gone?"

Sam's eyes filled with tears as he glanced at his brother. "No, I wouldn't."

Cain's eyes were dark with sorrow at the thought of his beloved Colette and Sam understood the pain he felt. He'd been through it before, he couldn't do it again. Cain nodded as if he knew this and knelt on the floor by the bed, gripping Dean's arm.

After a few moments, Cain loosened his grip but the Mark hadn't moved. It was still glaringly red against Dean's fevered skin.

"He doesn't want to let go, Sam." Sam thought there was almost a look of relief on Cain's face.

"No, no, that's not true. You just don't want to help him."

Sam rushed toward Cain in the tiny space, swinging his fist but Cain sidestepped him and Sam fell to the floor, busting his chin on the chair that Death vacated as Sam came hurtling toward him. Sam jumped to his feet, blood dripping from his chin. He charged toward Cain again but Castiel held him back.

"LET GO OF ME!" cried Sam. "HE CAN'T DO THIS!"

"Sam, you're not going to beat him."

Sam struggled against the angel. "I'M NOT GOING TO LET MY BROTHER DIE AGAIN!"

"Talk to him, Sam," suggested Cas.

"What?"

"If what Cain says is true and Dean doesn't want to let go of the Mark, that's his darker side. We know he has one. We've seen it. But we've seen the good side, too, and you can get through to that side, Sam, but you're the only one he will listen to."

Something clicked inside of Sam's head. "You have to get rid of the Blade, Cas."

"Is it here?" asked Cain.

"Yes," replied Cas. "I thought I had moved it far enough away."

"No, you didn't. Dean told me it had been calling to him."

"I'll take care of the Blade," said Cas. "You take care of Dean."

Sam nodded as Castiel disappeared from the room.

"Shall we try this again?" asked Cain.

"Yes….um, sorry, about before." Sam mumbled.

"I understand, Sam."

A look passed between them and Sam knew that Cain would do his part. He just had to do his. Sam knelt on the other side of Dean's bed, took Dean's hand in his own and leaned close to his brother's ear.

"Dean, I know you're in there…..the good man, the man who raised me, the one who sacrificed everything for me. That man cares about people. He cares what happens to them in this godforsaken world. When nobody else is there, you are, Dean. You never give one thought to yourself. You never ask for anything in return. You just help people. It's who you are. It's what I've always admired about you." Sam gripped his brother's hand tight, as tears fell from his eyes. "Please let go of the Mark, Dean. Please do it….do it for me."

"It's working, Sam," whispered Cain.

Sam stared in wonder as the Mark swirled red and traveled down Dean's arm, wrapping around Cain's. When Cain released his hold on Dean, the Mark once again resided on Cain's arm.

"Well, well, you boys certainly know how to put on a show." Death clapped his hands slowly. "Come with me, Cain. I think you and I have much to discuss."

Cain appeared unconvinced. "What could we possibly have to discuss?"

"How about death? It's what you want, isn't it?"

"More than anything."

"Come then. I think you've deserved it."

With a final nod at Sam, Death and Cain exited the room, leaving Sam alone with his unconscious brother. Sam had no idea when Crowley had disappeared but right now, the demon was the least of his concerns. He felt Dean squeeze his hand.

"Hey, Dean, you did it." Sam gave his brother a smile as Dean struggled to speak.

"No, Sammy….y-you did it," rasped Dean. "You s-saved me."

Sam heard the rustle of wings and turned to find Cas standing in the doorway.

"The Blade is gone." Cas moved to Sam's side, staring down at Dean. "Hey, Dean."

Dean managed a small smile. "Hey, Cas. I owe you an apology."

"You don't owe me anything," said Cas. He pressed his fingers to Dean's forehead. "Now get some sleep."

Dean's eyes closed and his breathing instantly became easier from Castiel's healing touch.

"Thanks, Cas," said Sam.

"You too, Sam."

Sam didn't even have time to protest before Cas reached out and touched his forehead. He was vaguely aware of Cas tucking him into the bed beside his brother before falling into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go.....


	13. Epilogue

_Just one more moment_

_That's all that's needed_

_Like wounded soldiers_

_In need of healing_

_Time to be honest_

_This time I'm pleading_

_Please don't dwell on it_

' _Cause I didn't mean it_

Sam knocked softly on Dean's bedroom door. Dean had spent a lot of time sleeping in the past week and Sam didn't want to wake him but he couldn't put off talking to his brother anymore. He had too many things he needed to say.

"You can come in, Sam."

Sam opened the door and found that Dean had rearranged his room.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"I've spent too much time sleeping. Thought I'd do something productive instead."

"So, you're Martha Stewart now?"

"Shut up." Dean straightened the pillows on his bed. "I just….I needed a bit of a change."

"You know, there are more bedrooms, Dean. We could move your stuff….."

"Nah, I'm not gonna let it get to me like that, Sammy." Dean gave him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "This is my room. The first one I've had since I was four years old. Nothing is taking that away."

Sam nodded. He could understand that. This was Dean's way of not letting the things he had done as a demon control his actions now.

"Something on your mind, Sammy?" asked Dean. "You've got that "I need to talk" look."

Sam laughed. "Am I that obvious?"

"No, I just know you."

Dean plopped down on the foot of his bed and motioned for Sam to pull up a chair. As he did, he dug into his pocket for the item he had placed there earlier this morning. It was time to do this. It was way past time to do this. He took a deep breath and pulled the amulet from his pocket, the amulet he had given Dean one Christmas morning, back before the world had touched them with its darkness. The amulet his brother had tossed away when the darkness had overtaken them. The amulet he had never been willing to let go of because of everything it represented to him.

Dean sucked in his breath. "Is that….?"

"Yeah, Dean, it is."

Sam found that his hands were trembling as he offered the amulet to his brother. When Dean reached for it Sam saw that his hands were also shaking.

Dean's eyes filled with tears as he stared at the amulet in wonder. "Do you know how many times I wished I'd never thrown this away?"

"Probably not as many as I did."

Dean laughed, wiping at his eyes. "Where has it been all this time?"

"With me." Sam stared at his hands. "It was in my pocket when I went into the pit."

"Sammy….." Dean's face softened at the thought of Sam diving into that pit without him.

"When Cas pulled me out, it was still there. Of course, I didn't have a soul but I couldn't throw it away. Even without a soul, I couldn't bring myself to do it so I kept it with my stuff. When I got my soul back, I always meant to return it but things just kept happening and there never seemed to be a good time and then, lately…."

"You didn't want to be brothers."

"God, no, Dean, that's not it!" cried Sam. He wasn't doing this very well. He always had sucked at apologies.

"It's okay, Sammy." Dean sighed. "I screwed up. I understand that. I shouldn't make those types of choices for you."

"But I did the same for you, Dean." Sam searched his brother's face for forgiveness. "After all the things I said to you…..all the self-righteous things…when it came down to it, I couldn't lose you. That was all that mattered and I did the same thing you would have done."

Dean smiled. "Yeah, you did."

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"For saving me?"

"No!" Sam threw up his hands in exasperation. "Good God, could I possibly suck at this any worse?"

Dean sniggered. "No."

Sam gave a small chuckle. He'd almost forgotten what it felt like to laugh with his brother. Sam motioned to the amulet in Dean's hand.

"So, what do you think?"

"About what?"

"Can you forgive me? I'm sorry for what I said. I never meant we couldn't be brothers. I was….I was so stupid, Dean."

"Sammy, we'll always be brothers. No matter what stupid things one of us may say or do, that's never gonna change." Dean's eyes were shining with tears again. "There ain't no me if there ain't no you."

Sam swallowed against the lump in his throat. "Gadreel said that."

"No," replied Dean softly. "No angel is getting credit for that. That's how I feel. Gadreel knew it. That's why he used that line."

They stared at each other for a moment and then Sam nodded toward the amulet. "You gonna put that on or what?"

Dean smiled and slipped the amulet over his head. Such a simple gesture, but it meant so much…..more than any words they could ever say.

Dean cleared his throat. "So, you got any hunts lined up for us, geek boy?"

"I think we can take it easy on the hunts for a week or two."

"Come on, Sam. You know me better than that."

Sam laughed. "Yeah, unfortunately, I do. But can you just take it easy for a day or two? Seriously, how are you, Dean?"

Sam saw the pain in Dean's eyes even though he tried to hide it. "I'm working through it, Sammy."

"You don't have to do it alone, Dean. I'm here. I'll always be here for you."

"I know."

They fell silent for a moment and Sam wondered if Dean was thinking the same thing as him. All the past mistakes they had made….Sam was determined not to repeat any of those, not when it came to his brother. He wanted to help him through this.

"Oh, hey, there is one thing we need to take care of before we start hunting again."

"What's that?"

Dean pulled his shirt open, pointing to the grisly scar where his anti-possession tattoo used to reside. "We need to get tatted up again."

Sam nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we do, but I'm thinking we could get something smaller this time, maybe something not so noticeable."

"What? You want a foot tattoo or something?" Dean picked up one of the pillows on his bed and tossed it at Sam. "You're such a girl."

Sam laughed.

"Oh, wait, even better. How about on your ass because God knows, nobody ever sees that!"

"That was low, Dean, even for you." Sam launched the pillow back at his brother and Dean dissolved into a fit of laughter.

Sam thought nothing had ever sounded so good.

_And I'd fight for you_

_I'd lie, it's true_

_Give my life for you_

_You know I'd always come for you_

_No matter what gets in my way_

_As long as there's still life in me_

_No matter what, remember, you know I'll always come for you_

_I'd crawl across this world for you_

_Do anything you want me to_

_No matter what, remember, you know I'll always come for you_

_You know I'll always come for you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read this and left comments and kudos. I appreciate you!
> 
> Here is a list of the songs I used:
> 
> Prologue: The Fight by The Rasmus
> 
> Chapter 1: Falling Away With You by Muse
> 
> Chapter 2: Lonely is the Night by Billy Squier
> 
> Chapter 5: Shed Some Light by Shinedown
> 
> Chapter 7: Demons by Imagine Dragons
> 
> Chapter 9: Save You by Simple Plan
> 
> Chapter 10: Good Man by Devour the Day
> 
> Epilogue: I'd Come For You by Nickelback


End file.
